Divorcee who wants to move away from kid is being selfish

Dear Carolyn: I immigrated to marry a man I’d dated for four years. It was an incredibly toxic and abusive relationship, and I finally managed to leave after 11 years. I was unemployed and without family or friends.

After two years I’ve found an amazing job and have done brilliant work in my community and my new country. Our 12-year-old child has not only adjusted but thrived. We co-parent well and actually maintain a very solid friendship. I’m surrounded by loving friends and “found” family. I’m in a loving, supportive relationship.

All in all life is perfect. But. I’ve been offered my dream job 12 hours away. During our divorce we agreed our child has a say in his living situation should I move. I’m pretty confident he will choose to stay in his hometown but hopeful he will choose to move with me.

I’ve made peace with it. But I feel guilty. Society judges absent mothers so harshly. I’m worried I’m abandoning him and he will end up with weird issues. I feel I deserve to chase my own dreams, but am I being selfish? — Woman on Hold

You won’t get a yougo-girl (or a bad-mother) answer from me, because to treat this as an issue of society and judgments sounds like a cynical dodge.

Just facts: The price you pay for a bad decision here won’t be charged to your public-image account — it’ll come straight from your kid’s emotional health. And he didn’t choose to move anywhere or marry badly.

Yet, as you yourself describe your decision, it will take either his mother or his father out of your son’s day-to-day life, because “I deserve to chase my own dreams.”

How is this not selfish? That’s not a rhetorical question; my advice for you is to answer it. Especially since the nature of the dream matters. Parents live away from minor children plenty, for reasons “society” accepts. Military deployments; political positions; career necessity. These have in common some combination of necessity and a higher purpose — and typically an end date. That’s still often wrenching for kids, but at least it feels important.

If you really are just talking about dream-fulfillment beyond your current perfection, then your decision feels heavily optional.

And I can’t believe I’m only now getting to this: You’re also dumping a horrific choice on your child. Who, presumably, has just found stability after being put through a wringer by his parents’ abusive marriage and divorce.

My advice is to give yourself an honest answer to the baseline question: Will he grow up to respect your reasons or will he look back and say, “She shook my whole world? For that?”

Write to Carolyn — whose column appears on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays — at tellme@washpost.com.