Daughter of ‘dying’ mom should focus on present, not future

Dear Carolyn: The holidays were great except — my mother looks like she is dying. She had a significant fall the week before. Went to a hospital. Somehow managed not to break anything. Was given antibiotics for a “raging” (doctor’s word) infection. She and my dad managed to get to our family gathering, a six-hour-plus drive away.

She looked awful. She was in pain the whole time. They drove home in stages, doing some visits on the way.

They live in a continuumof-care place and have friends and activities and help with medical issues available at the pull of a string. But I just can’t get over how awful she looked. Exhausted. Pale. Not renewing her lipstick, which she has almost been religious about since I was a kid.

I’m having a hard time with this. I’ve known this level of decline was coming for ages. But I maybe thought that moving to the new place with more assistance would be a magic cure that secured us a few more years? But I’m not so sure now, even though her not breaking anything in the fall is huge. Help?

— Can’t Get Over It

I’m sorry that your mom is sick and that it brings painful feelings sooner than you had hoped.

You sign off by saying you “can’t get over it,” though — when, in fact, you can and almost certainly will.

Remember, we are built for this. We are meant to die, and we are meant to witness death. Because we are meant to love, too, that means almost everyone will eventually feel the devastation that you got your first real glimpse of this holiday season.

I say this knowing — hoping — that your mother might well have rebounded by now, as we are also built to heal.

I also know that I might already be too late. So I’m going to give you the answer for all potential outcomes: Renounce “magic.” The more we invest ourselves in an outcome, the more we set ourselves up to lose — and, mor important, the more we miss of the life we have as we wait for a different one to come true.

This goes beyond just involvement with parents in decline: Take steps because they’re necessary and/or helpful, but don’t expect anything of them beyond their face value. See any future benefits as a pleasant surprise. Think journey, not destination.

Meaning: Choose housing with extra assistance because you know your mom needs extra assistance, not because you think it’ll buy Mom additional years.

This is a subtle change in thinking, but it’s everything. It changes your orientation from securing a specific future outcome to immersion in your present. It’s a full-hearted, clear-eyed embrace of now.

Write to Carolyn — whose column appears on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays — at tellme@washpost.com.