Siblings missing out in ignoring caregiving needs of aging mom

Dear Carolyn: I spent 10 years helping my aging parents, both of whom died six years ago.

Now my husband’s mother, who is 91, is battling dementia, and he and one sister do all the caregiving. Their other two siblings refuse to help.

I think they all need to put in equal time or pay someone to help. My husband refuses to talk about money; he’s OK with the arrangement.

My siblings also refused to help or pay, taking advantage of my good nature. I am furious and sick of this. Please help. — J.

You’re right: This is not OK.

But even though you knew it was not OK, your siblings still didn’t do their share for your parents. They dumped it all on you.

So what’s different now, as your husband faces the same problem? How is he to solve in his family what you couldn’t solve for 10 years in yours?

Please don’t mistake this pragmatism for a lack of sympathy. You are rightly furious and sick of the workload imbalance imposed on your family by others. You’re also probably traumatized, to some degree, by having to navigate, alone, the weeds of modern aging and death.

But carrying your anger and frustration over to your husband’s experience isn’t the way to help him, his sister, your mother-inlaw or yourself.

Apply what you learned from your 10-year odyssey, yes, — but include what you learned about families, too: that they don’t always step up when they should, that you can’t force people to do the right thing and that anger is a normal reaction to this.

But letting your anger take over will only add to the weight you carry. Doing right by ailing relatives who need you is a valid and healthy counterweight to the bad feelings of being dumped on.

Caring for one another is a sacred contract. People who break that contract are denying themselves the rewards of deeper connection and responsibility.

Is this any consolation when you’re in the throes of the heaviest work? No.

Making sure your husband and sisterin-law have relief is a natural role for you — at arm’s length from direct care — if you want it. Opting out entirely is also a valid; you’ve earned it.

If you choose to help, you can maintain a schedule to help your husband and sisterin-law avoid burnout. You can also research respite-care resources to find a good geriatric social worker to help with the logistical, financial and emotional load. And you can listen when your husband needs to talk.