Woman must learn to accept boyfriend’s ex will keep name

Dear Abby: My boyfriend and I both got divorced about the same time, and we have begun talking seriously about marriage and starting a family.

During one of our conversations, he mentioned that his ex-wife doesn’t intend to change back to her maiden name. I was shocked because she took advantage of him financially and was emotionally abusive all during their marriage. They had no kids, so it has nothing to do with her wanting to share the name with them.

When I asked him why she wasn’t changing it, he told me she said his family was always nicer to her than her own. I suggested he ask her to adopt another last name of her choosing if she doesn’t want to go back to her maiden name rather than be falsely associated with a family she is no longer a part of (or welcome in). I’m thinking about keeping my own maiden name after our marriage until she changes hers. Am I overreacting? — Soon to Marry in California

Dear Soon: You are overreacting. When a man has divorced, his ex can retain his last name if she wishes. Some do it because they think it may be to their advantage socially to be associated with the family. I have heard of others doing it because they didn’t like their maiden name.

Please keep in mind that after your wedding you will — if you wish — become “Mrs. John Smith.” The ex can use the last name but will have to use her first name with it (Ms. Jane Smith) without reference to your husband.

Of course, if you wish to keep your maiden name, you are free to do it — many women do. But if you make that decision, please do it for any other reason than because of the one you put in your letter.

Dear Abby: My mother used to go nuts anytime the cameras came out. Mom would fling her hand up and yell, “Get that thing out of my face!” even when other family members were in the shot. One day, I finally told her, “You know, Mom, someday the only pictures your descendants will have of you will be of an angry, scowling woman.”

Abby, please remind your readers we aren’t trying to persecute them when we want a picture. We just want to hold, share and save photos of the people we love the most, and the kindness and love in their eyes shouldn’t be obscured by their hands. — Finally Got Through

Dear Finally: Many individuals feel the way your mother does. That said, the point you made was valid, and I am pleased that she listened.