Earth to Mars: Get ready for guests

Dear Mars, Watch out. We’ve got our eyes on you. We’re checking out your topography, recording your weather, sniffing around for signs of life.

I know we’re just in the getting-to-knowyou stage, but you’d be surprised how fast the process moves.

I’m sitting right now on land that 207 years ago was a wilderness settlement. Now? There are at least four Starbucks within a third of a mile.

At the moment, Mars, you’re sort of like the

mysterious territory that was represented with drawings of dragons and other perils on ancient maps. In this case, the dragons are your remoteness, thin atmosphere and brutal cold.

But we’re hell-bent on establishing a relationship. Here’s how I know: Recently it became possible to get daily weather reports from Mars, thanks to NASA’S Insight lander. That’s a telltale sign.

The first thing humans ask when contemplating a trip to an exotic locale is: What’s the weather like? So we’re already picturing ourselves on Mars. Make up the bed in the guest room.

A few things you should know about us as guests:

If we admire one of your possessions, you don’t have to give it to us. We’ll just take it. Sugar, salt, spices, rubber, diamonds, minerals, oil, gold, coffee, timber, natural gas — we humans have a history of grabbing things that strikes our fancy. You’ll have something we want, I’m sure.

Also, we tend to overstay our welcome. At first, we’re quite polite as we arrive full of gifts and goodwill. But then we start demanding our own space, helping ourselves to the food, planting flags everywhere. Efforts to evict us are often met with — well, let’s just say a few things might end up broken.

And we’re messy. Oh, are we messy. We spill stuff. We start fires. We build trash mountains. We clutter up oceans with plastic water bottles, syringes, Happy Meal toys, Mardi Gras beads, disposable razors, flipflops, grocery bags.

Some people will say you’re nothing but a frozen wasteland. They said similar things about Alaska. Earthlings have pretty much proven that if a patch of land exists, they’ll find a use for it. We’re kind of relentless in that regard.

Granted, you’re not exactly a Caribbean resort. I’m looking at the Insight lander weather report for last Saturday: The high was 7 degrees Fahrenheit and the low was minus 142, with winds up to 23 mph. And that was near your equator. So we won’t plan any pool parties.

But we’d still like to get to know you better. And we won’t take no for an answer.