'Tiger Mother' must tame urge to push daughter to succeed

Dear Carolyn: I don’t want to be that mother. You know, the kind inappropriately invested in her kid winning, achieving, etc. But I have those tendencies, because I think I was raised that way myself.

How do I make sure my child lives up to her potential without hounding her? She is a smart, ambitious child. She has friends and interests. She knows how to stand up for herself. She is a feisty 12-year-old. But she still needs guidance, and I struggle on how to balance it. — The Tiger Mother in Me

Who says she has to live up to her potential? What does that even mean? Who defines it — your daughter, you, her peers, society at large? And shouldn’t it be your daughter herself who “makes sure”?

I think the best way to cage your tiger is to make a habit of questioning your own assumptions about what is good for your daughter’s future, until the habit becomes a reflex. I can’t see the impulse to “hound” a child surviving that process intact.

You’re fortunate; this is so much easier to do with a “smart, ambitious child (with) friends and interests.” She apparently doesn’t need you to nudge her toward purpose, connections, fulfillment — allowing you the luxury of limiting your “guidance” to her ethics, manners and self-care.

Even with children who struggle socially or are prone to inertia, parental focus still belongs on ethics, manners and selfcare; pushing toward achievement is about the parent, not the child. Parents of lessdriven kids just need to listen harder and watch more closely for what their kids want, need, need to be nudged toward — or away from — and what they will eventually pursue on their own.

Which is the point of all (healthy) childrearing, right? To equip kids to manage their own lives, ambitions and emotional health? So, tailor your guidance to that: “What tools does she need to do this herself?”

Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend recently told me one of his adult daughters “didn’t think much of me.” When I asked which one, he refused to say. How would you suggest I handle this behavior? — Confused in California

The words in my head as I read this were, “Wow. I have no interest in games.”

Then I thought, that’s how I hope I would answer if I were ever in your situation. Then maybe I would add: “Either provide enough information for me to try to fix it, or don’t tell me at all. This way I get all the bad feelings and none of the options.”