Daughter must make peace with mom’s boyfriend as ‘Grandpa’

sister has an 8-monthold. Our mother frequently refers to Steve as “Grandpa” — except he is not their grandfather, and also not our father figure.

During a recent twoday visit, she called him Grandpa (“Give Grandpa a hug!” “Go say hi to Grandpa!”) no fewer than 50 times; that’s where we stopped counting. (My son already has two living grandfathers.)

My sister hates it, but she handles it better. My husband cannot stand it either. Is it wrong to want him no longer referred to as Grandpa? Is there a way to bring it up without upsetting anyone too much? — Don’t Need a Step-grandpa

Right, the magical, non-upsetting way to tell people you don’t like them. That’s really all this is.

And it’s not wrong; you are entitled to your dislikes, which sound well-earned here. It isn’t wrong specifically to want Steve not to be “Grandpa” and your mom to stop pathetically pushing the sale.

But it’s not useful, either. Refusing won’t make Steve any more charming, will it? Plus, your mom already is needy and obsessive about Steve’s approval rating. Imagine how she will respond to such an explicit, symbolic rejection.

So, 1) Recognize your problem is with your mom. Steve is just collateral damage. 2) Drop the Grandpa war as unwinnable. “Grandpa Steve.” Whatever. 3) Develop your own multifaceted sanity kit for the Mom Show. Indulge her a little, when it doesn’t cost you much emotionally; push back a little, when you need to on principle; make nice to her and/or Steve a little, leave the room a little. Concentrate a lot on seeing the good.

This is your Mom’s self-inflicted storm. She is, after all, far more at fault here than Steve is. Remaining mindful of that can help you not lose your mind.