Don’t make it a competition with future sister-in-law

(She has an associate’s degree from a college where she took some pre-nursing courses, but her degree is in something else.)

While I get these misstatements are about her and not me, it drives me crazy that she is trying to make a competition out of something that isn’t one, and I’d really like to nip it in the bud. Any suggestions? — It’s Not a Competition!

If it’s not a competition, then prove it by forfeiting — or losing — voluntarily, kindly, joyously, every time.

Please take this as an attempt to be helpful from someone who has spent a lifetime managing (or failing to manage) her own competitive impulses: Jackies can drive you crazy only if you do “care about any of this” on some level.

You can see through Jackie’s attention cravings, not care to be anyone’s matriarch, not need to be the daughter anyone “always wanted,” yet still not like the sensation of someone else thinking she beat you. So admit that to yourself. You can know intellectually you aren’t competing and still feel the impulse to say, “HAHA, LOSER, I DON’T EVEN CARE.”

So that’s where you can make a difference in your relationship with Jackie. Recognize the competitive feelings she triggers in you with her competitiveness; be prepared with a healthy outlet for those feelings (laugh them off, walk them off, repeat a restorative mantra, resuscitate someone); and adopt a mindset that eases insecurities versus inflaming them. Such as: Give her time to adjust to you; don’t judge her forever; nurture an alliance, if not a friendship; swear off pettiness.

Marriage into a close family comes with a duty not to be the reason it stops being close. If you can’t be pro-jackie, then be as Jackie-neutral as you can possibly be.