Jilted father forbids daughter to meet mom’s boyfriend

Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared May 31 and June 2, 2006.

Dear Carolyn: My parents have just divorced after 34 years of marriage. I’ll try to make a complicated divorce with complicated characters as simple as possible: My mom was deceitful and my father was ignorant and self-centered. I knew they were unhappy. The last couple months of their marriage, I am pretty sure my mom was seeing someone else.

Now, it’s apparent she has a boyfriend. My dad has just started dating. I feel if I meet my dad’s girlfriend then I should be able to meet my mom’s boyfriend; after all, this is how it’s going to be from now on.

However, my father forbids this because my mother left him for this “other man” and it would be disrespectful and hurtful.

I do not want to hurt my dad, my mom has already done that. But I do want to meet the man who is making my mom happy. My sisters think I am crazy. They barely want anything to do with my mother. My father and my sisters will be disappointed and may even disown me if I meet the other man.

I love my parents and want them both to be happy. Help me figure this one out, please!

— M.

You are 18 or older? Living on your own? Then your father has no business forbidding you to do anything. That he thinks he can forbid you — and that your mother was deceitful, and that your sisters are shutting her out, and that you’re in fear of being disowned — all suggest your parents did an excellent job of teaching their children how to punish, manipulate and control.

You, to your great credit, seem to have resisted these teachings; your acceptance of both your parents, and their frailties, is loving and evenhanded. And backing that up with your actions is going to be one of the most difficult things you’ll ever do.

That your father was wronged doesn’t mean he can’t also be wrong. His pain is valid, but he has no right to alleviate it by denying you access to your mother — and her boyfriend is part of her life.

I’m not going to advise you to defy the majority of your family members, because that has to come from your heart, not my fingertips. But I am going to tell you to heed your conscience. Actually, heed isn’t strong enough: Grab onto it, follow it wherever it takes you and don’t let go — except to crouch behind it when the “punishment” starts to fly.

Dear Carolyn: I’ve been divorced for 10 years. I’ve done some dating but haven’t stayed with anyone longer than a few months. Sometimes I wonder if I’m too picky, as opposed to just not having found the right person. How do I tell the difference?

— Trying Not To Be Picky

Since the alternative to being picky is forcing yourself to accept things you dislike, I don’t think there is such a thing as “too” picky.

When you come across a compromise you’re ready to make, you’ll make it. Till then, don’t.