New grandma annoys parents by calling the baby ‘hers’

Adapted from an online discussion. Dear Carolyn: My mom is a firsttime grandmother and refers to my niece as “my baby.” I can tell it irks my brother and sister-in-law, but they don’t say anything. Other than when she asks if I’ve seen “[her] baby” and I respond that no, he was at work, but I did see her granddaughter, can I say anything? Or do these things pass when the next grandkid comes?

— Grandma’s “Baby”

Grandma’s “Baby”: Oh, my, you have a chance to be a saint here.

“Mom — I know you’re over the moon for your grandbaby. You’re a great grandma. Please trust me here: Calling the baby ‘my baby’ is, I’m guessing, getting under Brother and Sister-in-law’s skin. They haven’t said anything to me, I’m just calling what I see. And I assume they’ve said nothing to you, I’m sure because they know how great you are and don’t want to sound mean. But, fit a ‘grand-’ in there, or switch to Pookie, or something.”

You’re just in a great position to say this one for the team.

By the way, saying that “her baby” is at work is hilarious.

Dear Carolyn: My mom was recently diagnosed with dementia. Now that she is in the care of a doctor, I’m really struggling with something: She refuses any personal care-related things, like washing or cutting hair, or cutting fingernails, etc. These aren’t necessary, but I do think they are more than strictly cosmetic. She is also starting to look rather strange.

At the same time, I’m trying to respect her continued autonomy and her refusals have gone on for weeks. How should I handle this?

— Struggling

Your life with your mom is going to include a lot of changes like this one, and there’s an entire community out there that has seen it before and helped others respond, adjust, accept.

Please find a resource for caregivers/family members that suits your needs — you can ask the doctor who diagnosed your mom, or the office staff, if there’s a resource coordinator — or just your local search engine in a pinch.

Line up the source(s) of information and support now, while you have only a question or two, so they’re comfortably at your fingertips as new things arise.

Good for you for being there for your mom.