Tension in couple’s marriage is freaking out their teen

Dear Carolyn: My wife and I are having trouble communicating without the temperature (and volume) rising. The issues are complicated (aren’t they always?), so I won’t elaborate on them here.

My kids, 15 and 18, are aware of the tension, which is really freaking out our sensitive younger one, and I was thinking he and his brother are old enough to hear what’s underlying the tension rather than have us simply try to keep the temperature and volume down. I don’t expect it would make them feel better, but at least they’ll know the source of the obvious tension.

Would you agree? Or do you think keeping them unencumbered by the details would be better for them?

— Tense

“Unencumbered” doesn’t seem like an option. And I won’t weigh in on sharing “details” without knowing what they are. Yikes.

You (both, ideally) can name the tension without naming its source, though. “Your mom and I have a complicated disagreement, and let it spill over. I’m sorry about that. We’re talking, though, and working on it, and this will pass.”

That statement hits a lot of important points. It treats your sons not as bystanders, but as the family stakeholders they are. Where they’re now probably filling in the blanks with worst-case scenarios, it offers assurance that not all problems are disasters. It models (albeit imperfectly) how to handle such problems — by talking about them and working through them even when it gets messy. It shows you’re imperfect, but also big enough to admit fault. It says you’re mindful of their well-being. It’s also careful. “This will pass” is a big place with fuzzy borders, so it’s low risk as a pledge.

Because you’re rattling the kid(s), relocate your arguments to a counselor’s office. Shop around for someone you both feel comfortable engaging as your referee, and commit to fixing this, whatever it takes.

Meaning: Both of you decide a solution is better than no solution, since the result of not solving this is a recurring argument that destabilizes your kids’ home. If you can’t live together without fighting, and you can’t make the concession that would stop the fighting, then you can’t live together.

Plant that flag to stay focused, and get (back) to work toward brokering peace.

Hi, Carolyn: My plan to have a baby fell apart, and I am actually quite OK with the situation. But I was my mom’s only shot at grandparenthood. She’s never pressured me but I know she is sad. She’s a sweetheart and would be a wonderful grandma. I want to apologize but also don’t feel like an apology is what is required? Any tips for dealing with this sadness?

— Anonymous

You’re right, an apology for just living your life doesn’t fit. So tell her the truth: “I know you’re sad. If there were something I could do to fix that besides having a baby, then I would do it. You’d be a wonderful grandma.” Just caring will do.