Reader doesn’t want to overwhelm depressed partner
Adapted from online discussions. Hey Carolyn: If I have to ask my significant other if he sees a future together, does that mean there probably isn’t one? We’ve been together two years, we’re both late 20s. Things are good, things are fun, I have no reason to believe we won’t be together long term, besides the fact that we’ve just never talked about it. He deals with depression and I’m often worried about overwhelming him.
Thoughts? I consider the relationship very good, besides our lack of talking about meaningful future things.
— Future?
Your future hinges on whether you can be yourself with him. If you feel you have to hold back due to his depression or anything else, then you are not truly intimate partners.
Be yourself, please, and speak your mind, and let that tell you what happens with your story. Don’t envision the outcome first and then try to adjust your behavior in ways to make it happen. That’s the kind of thing that can seem possible now, short term, but eventually grow unbearable.
Dear Carolyn: How do you know when your feelings for an ex are completely gone? I am trying to determine whether we can be friends, but I’m afraid of ripping off the Band-aid too soon and finding that small things, like learning he’s dating someone new, will be unexpectedly painful.
— Anonymous
You’re looking at this situation and weighing some knowns (that you’re over him, that you want to be friends) against some unknowns (whether you’re completely over him, whether a friendship would be more painful than it’s worth). These pretty much sum up the balance sheet each of us stares at before making any decision. You can’t know.
I also don’t think an ex’s next relationship is ever a “small thing” before you’ve reached the I-really-don’t-careexcept-to-be-happy-for-them threshold, which you plainly haven’t.
So you do what you can: If you find yourself wanting a friendship more than you’re dreading it, then you give it a try. If you find yourself dreading it more than you want it, then don’t give it a try. Yet or ever.
And if you try it and it feels awful, then change your mind and explain it to your ex as ... changing your mind. You’re entitled.