Just trust me – only I can see the real Mitch Mcconnell
Sure, when Mitch is actually on the record, he promises the opposite of cooperation. But I see that as just another sign of his ultimate desire. Why else would he be so intent on playing hard to get?
Don’t worry, when Mitch Mcconnell said that “100% of our focus is on stopping this new administration,” I’m sure what he meant was ... something different.
Why do I say this? Because I know Mitch. Trust me.
There is a Mitch only I can see. Nobody else understands him, but I do. Other people see someone who created the “party of no,” a man who vowed a “scorched-earth Senate” when people tried to work around him to move legislation he did not support. Others see someone who said the single greatest achievement he could hope for was for Barack Obama to be a “one-term president.”
I don’t see that at all.
My Mitch is a wonderful guy who loves to cooperate. That’s all he wants, really: bipartisanship. It is the one dream and passion of his heart. He got “BIPARTISAN COMPROMISE” tattooed on his knuckles, but unfortunately the letters had to be so small for them all to fit that they are invisible to the naked eye.
Mitch is always saying, “Let’s cooperate on bipartisan initiatives!” but he says it very quietly, where only I can hear him, and the second anyone else comes into the room or a microphone is turned on, he stops.
Once we walked on the beach together for a long time discussing how open he was to compromise and how willing he was to hear out what President Joe Biden had to say, but when I looked back over the sand, there was only one set of footprints. I took a picture of him saying he was going to make a compromise, but when I developed it, it was just a picture of me staring into an empty mirror.
But if you learn the signs of his willingness to compromise like I did, you start to see them everywhere. Mitch will say no to the Biden agenda with his mouth and his eyes and his written statements – but his tie says maybe! Sure, he said he was “one hundred percent focused” on standing up to the current administration, but if you rearrange the letters in those words, you can spell “Sedocuf trencep neo dredhun!” which means “I’m eager to do bipartisan compromise!” in Klingon. Sometimes when he is asked whether he is open to working with
Biden on any issues, his left eyelid flickers, just slightly!
What more evidence do we need? Audible words, coming out of his mouth, where people can hear and record them?
Sure, when Mitch is actually on the record, he promises the opposite of cooperation. But I see that as just another sign of his ultimate desire. Why else would he be so intent on playing hard to get? And I think it is a good sign that he is talking about Biden’s agenda, even if what he is saying is, technically, negative. That shows it’s on his mind.
My friends are constantly begging me, “Please, we would like even a single time to meet this Mitch that you see! Show us even an iota of tangible proof that he exists!” But I just shake my head and say, “I know my Mitch.” These naysayers tell me, “The only time Mitch reaches across the aisle is to slap things down!”
Perhaps, technically – but it is still reaching. The point is: Just because everything he says and does suggests he is not open to bipartisan compromise doesn’t mean anything. I know the real Mitch. The Mitch you see is just the outward face he has presented for his entire career in public life. The Mitch I know is who he really is, deep down.
I believe in him. No, I believe in us. I am sure if I believe hard enough, everything will work out, just as it always has.
Alexandra Petri is a Washington Post columnist. Follow her on Twitter, @petridishes.