Self-doubting man fears not living up to parents’ example

Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared May 20 and June 22, 2007.

Dear Carolyn: Thirty-year-old male. I’m scared of a lifelong commitment to someone. I guess I’m scared of falling short of the amazing job my parents did of raising me and my siblings and never being able to meet my own internal standards. It’s not any pressure they’re putting on me. I just feel I have a high bar to live up to, and I don’t know if I have it in me to commit to someone else, to raise children, etc. I’m in a happy relationship now, but I’m scared of the future.

— D.C.

I’ll make it easy for you. You don’t have it in you to live up to your parents’ standards.

Because, hello, you’re not supposed to. You are you, not your parents. You have it in you to: sort through your experiences — with family, schooling, friends, random else; establish your own set of standards; and then live by them.

Or, I should say, to give it your best shot, since it’s not entirely up to any one person what a life turns out to be.

Should your standards be influenced by your parents? Sure. Obviously, they gave you a lot to admire. But they also had trials and errors and did some things that maybe wouldn’t suit your temperament, which you need to let yourself see.

Try this on, too: Had they raised you so inimitably well, wouldn’t you trust yourself more and dread failure less?

This is not a knock against them but a knock on your forehead. They are human. You are human. Great parents aren’t infallible; they spin fallibility into love.

One more thing: I doubt your parents would have turned in such a confident performance had they been haunted by others’ success. Talk to them. I think you’ll find they succeeded by learning from their surroundings, loving each other, respecting each other (and their kids) and, finally, trusting themselves. And then making mistakes anyway. No doubt they’ve equipped you well to do the same.

Carolyn: What do you think of premarital counseling? My boyfriend and I, early 30s, live together. The one obstacle we face is an inability to “fight fair.” He has suggested we see a couples’ therapist before we become engaged. I am thinking that if we can’t communicate well on our own, we may not be “meant to be.” What do you think?

— Brooklyn

I think if you still can’t communicate after some tutoring from a professional, then maybe you aren’t meant to be.

Since it makes so little sense to chuck everything instead of trying to fix one problem (an admittedly large one that transfers to other relationships), I also wonder if you’ve already made up your mind to leave him. If that’s true, and the confessing, packing and moving — not to mention the unfair fighting that may come with it — all seem too daunting, then maybe this discussion about counseling, if not the counseling itself, can be just the opening you need.