As you go to the polls, ‘green’ is the word
We need to set the record straight. People are throwing around a lot of words again that make us look shady, and really the only thing shady about us, the proponents of this upcoming ballot initiative, is the great green expanse of Ohio forest that we so dearly and clearly love. We have only the Earth’s best interests at heart, and therefore your best interests.
You should know this because of the word, “green.”
Who are we? We might tell you in a bit, but for now let us leave it at this: We are the group who would like Columbus voters to approve this November our green energy initiative — see, there’s that word again! — that would do some great stuff.
Remember instead that we are not some shady (and shady not in the good, forest way, like we’re shady, but in the bad nefarious way) group behind a nuclear plant bailout.
We don't feel the need to describe precisely what stuff, but suffice it say that it will be great stuff. Great green stuff. Your tax dollars are safe with us, because our interests are greener than the Costa Rican rainforest.
A number of factions have come out against our plan, saying it would siphon tens of millions of your tax dollars from the Columbus city budget with no public oversight and wreak havoc on essential services. They say the oversight would fall to a limited liability corporation and “a secretive cast of characters” behind it.
We are that cast of characters, but we take exception to the assertion that we are secretive. We prefer the term “private.” But mostly green.
If you've been paying attention to green initiatives, you already might know a little about us, which is all you really need to know since you already know we're pro-green.
We tried for a while to put an Ohio constitutional amendment before voters that sought to transfer billions in state bond dollars to a New York bank account controlled by a group of investors who would then fund private infrastructure, research and development of “clean-energy initiatives,” at their discretion.
We took a lot of heat for that, more heat than a Florida greenhouse in July, from state officials and environmental groups and a bunch of others who jointly branded it a big scam. But those groups probably were just green with envy because they aren't as green as we are.
We are so green, in fact, that if we were to cut our fingers — not that we're admitting we have fingers, because we're private about such details — we would bleed green, like the green that oozes from the stem of a cut flower.
Not that we would ever cut a flower, because we're green and that would be a very un-green thing to do.
Once we realized our Ohio constitution plan was doomed to attack by anti-green meanies, we turned our lovely green eyes (how many eyes we have exactly we don't feel the need to disclose right now) to Columbus.
This time, we didn't seek billions but a paltry $57 million. But we didn't turn in our needed signatures in time, because we were busy doing really green things we'd love to tell you about but won't. They might have involved climate change, or wildfires, or saving humpback whales.
Then, two years ago we came back to the city as Proenergy Ohio LLC, with the right number of signatures in hand for a new, $87 million plan.
The city has fought us ever since, but in May we scored a victory in Ohio Supreme Court, which ruled the city had gone too far in trying to keep us off the ballot. So we are on the ballot this November! Go green! Go green energy! Go green initiatives! Go green (insert keyword here)!
If you vote for our cause this Election Day, what exactly will you get for your tax dollars?
So, so much green goodness.
Oh, you mean specifically? Well, there are these funds, and they are green, and they will help pay for green causes such as electric bill subsidies and “education” and “minority business enterprise.”
We can assure you it's all very green. We understand your reticence, but set aside for the moment the fact that green makes the best camouflage.
Remember instead that we are not some shady (and shady not in the good, forest way, like we're shady, but in the bad nefarious way) group behind a nuclear plant bailout.
We're different because we're proearth. We're green, and green things are always positive things. Like shamrocks, and Kermit the Frog and the Jolly Green Giant.
Think fast! Name one negative green thing.
Told you.
OK, you might say, but it still might help if I knew a little about who you are.
But does that really matter? Just think of us as friends of the forest.
Perhaps we are a consortium of woodland elves, forest pixies and water sprites. Perhaps we are bounding through the Metro Parks right now, singing the praises of the Columbus taxpayer while playing flutes crafted from reeds and castanets fashioned from acorn caps.
You need know only this: We are green, and we have only the greenest of intentions. Take it from our friend, Gordon Gecko, a wise lizard we know in the forest.
Green is good, Gordon would tell you from his usual perch in his favorite pawpaw. Green is always good. tdecker@dispatch.com @Theodore_decker