Husband won’t accept mixed-race child as granddaughter

Dear Carolyn: My son is getting married to a wonderful young lady of a mixed-race background. She has a teen daughter.

I mentioned that I was excited to welcome another grandchild to the family. My husband said this teen was not a grandchild to him. He said this because she looks more Black than her mother.

I said she is now family. He said I am not to argue over this, and left the house. What am I to do?

— Grandma

Divorce him. This isn’t just saying bad things, it’s being a bad person.

If he has some quality that makes a case for him as a good person, then, try me — but I can’t think of any that would make views that evil welcome in my inner circle.

Now: You do say “my son,” not “our son,” so it’s unclear whether he’s your husband’s son or stepson. If he chose you and helped raise him, then that buys him one credit toward decency. Grant him a day to retract his remark in horror before signing any papers, sure, assuming this open bigotry is new.

But on some level, you will always know he felt justified in dismissing a human being as unworthy of love for having darker skin.

Still, I won’t ask you to bring hardship upon your life to serve my principles. Ultimately and obviously you have to decide for yourself what your principles are and how much discomfort they’re worth.

Do know, however, that your needing him on some level doesn’t redeem him of poor character; that’s something only he can do for himself. I hope for everyone’s sake he pulls off that miracle soon.

Dear Carolyn: Over the course of the pandemic, our daughter has gained significant weight. She’s always struggled and yes, I wish she could maintain a healthier BMI. That’s NOT what this is about. I love her in any shape and at any weight and she’s perfectly capable of determining for herself what that should be.

My quandary is, how can I offer to get her an entire new wardrobe without being misinterpreted as saying, “You’re fat”? She and her husband don’t have a lot of disposable income and her old clothes don’t fit, at all.

Honestly, I’m fat too, and we both know exactly where we are with our bodies. I’m not entirely sure she also realizes the clothes she’s wearing are NOT flattering. So there’s that. I truly believe she would feel better about herself in comfortable and flattering clothes. Any advice?

— Anonymous

If you can afford to finance her entire new wardrobe, then you can also give her a no-strings-attached cash gift of the amount you intended to spend on clothing, so she has that elusive disposable income.

She can then buy new clothes if she wants them, versus you wanting them for her. Or she can tend to other priorities wearing her tight old clothes, which — even if she doesn’t look better for it — will still make her life appreciably better, which is presumably all you’re hoping to do.