Reader is done giving cheating boyfriend more chances

Dear Carolyn: I just was sent a screenshot from a friend of my boyfriend on a dating app. This is clearly an active account. This is not the first time he has been caught on a dating app during our relationship. He doesn’t believe me when I say this time is different and I am done with the relationship and the lies. He’s still claiming that it’s an old account and he’s not cheating, as opposed to taking any accountability or being honest.

How do I get over the sense of foolishness for giving him multiple chances? And for still questioning my resolve to actually end things right now? Why am I not stronger?

— Done

You chose to see the good in someone, you chose to trust again. Is that really so terrible?

That he proved himself unworthy of your patience, of the benefit of your doubts, and unworthy of the effort you put into your relationship — all are about him, not you.

You can actually stay with someone unfaithful. There’s no relationship law that says he has to go. You’re deciding you’ve had enough and he doesn’t deserve to share his life with you. If you want to change your mind on that, then, go ahead — but do it knowing he will be unfaithful to you throughout.

The point of this thought exercise is clarity. If you decide to stick with him, it’s not, “Hmm, maybe this time he’ll stop cheating” — it’s, “Hmm, maybe I’d rather be with him, even if he cheats on me, than break up with him.”

Carolyn: I am not OK with a life of being lied to and cheated on. Part of the struggle is that I am 41. And really wanted a different story for my life at this point. But I won’t get that different story with this guy.

— Done Again

What’s with seeing your life as a story, though? That’s so much pressure to put on yourself, to be an author, and therefore if things take an unplannedfor turn, you’ve somehow failed.

Think of life stories that are actually stories: obituaries. They can be, because the lives they’re about are over; till the ending’s written, it’s all just scraps of paper on a bulletin board. Plus, obits are interesting only due to the person who lived, illuminated and connected the events. So my actual advice now is to start reading obits, and their excellent reminders to get out of the ruts of your own (or society’s) expectations.