You’re not a bad person if you have to pull back from a needy friend
Q: I have a dear friend that has been in my life since the sixth grade. We have been through everything together including college, marriage, kids, good times and bad.
Unfortunately, she is going through a really tough time lately. Her husband had an affair and left her about a year ago. She has been in a downward spiral ever since.
I have been by her side through the whole experience, but I’m starting to become drained. I don’t feel she is taking basic steps to help herself and quite frankly I don’t think I can offer her the help she needs.
She is latching on to me so tightly that it feels smothering and starting to impact my own wellbeing.
When I try to make space to take care of myself, I can tell she is hurt.
I strongly believe she needs to seek professional counseling, but I’m not sure the best way to make that suggestion.
How do I let my friend know I am here for her, but she needs to help herself and possibly get therapy?
A: As an outsider of her experience, you can clearly see steps she could take to help herself and are confident she has a bright future ahead, but it’s frustrating she can’t see her current situation through the same lenses.
Professional counseling is a tool that can significantly help people through challenges and transitions in life, particularly when they find themselves stuck and not moving forward.
A therapist is an unbiased and emotionally removed source of support that can often be more impactful in expanding individual perspectives, insights, and hope for the future.
The best way to present this suggestion to your friend is to be gentle and direct.
Tiptoeing around the subject may run the risk of her missing the message or interpreting the message as something shameful or hard to talk about when it doesn’t need to be.
For an example, “Amy, I am still heartbroken about what you went through last year. I can only imagine how tough it is for you to heal from this experience and try to carry on with life in a positive light. I don’t want you to suffer any longer than you need to. I was wondering if you have or would be willing to consider talking to a professional who might be able to give you some effective strategies for healing that I’m unable to offer you as a friend? I’m hoping you will consider this option as I strongly believe this is a tool that could help you find peace and fulfillment in your life again. I would be willing to help you research and find the right person if you decide you are open to trying therapy.”
The decision to seek professional counseling is a personal decision people have to make if and when they are ready. Your friend may or may not be ready to explore this option after you suggest it, but you have at minimum planted a seed that might just sprout with some more time to think it over.
In the meantime, acknowledge you cannot pour from an empty cup. You need to give yourself permission to take care of you!
Be honest with yourself and your friend about how much you are able to give. You should not, and cannot be your friends sole source of support.
That is unfair to you and not heathy for her. When you are in a situation where you need to decline to meet her need in the moment, follow the same rule of being gentle and direct.
Kristin Woodling is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Chief Executive Officer of Pamper Your Mind LLC in Satellite Beach, Fla. Details about the practice and services provided can be found at pamperyourmind.com.