Can’t buy me love, or a double rainbow
You didn’t win Saturday’s Powerball jackpot — no one did — and odds are you didn’t rake in last night’s $670 million windfall either.
Everyone likes to imagine what they could buy with that kind of cash, like an island in French Polynesia owned by a French cosmetics mogul, which at $39 million is a steal compared to his $50 million asking price just five years ago.
Or, if you’re hungry, several hundred million White Castle sliders.
For $670 million, you could have made the back-to-back blockbusters, “Avengers: Infinity War” and “Avengers: Endgame.”
But this, rather, is about a bit of wisdom that Tony Stark, aka Iron Man, imparted on his father, Howard, in the latter film.
“No amount of money ever bought a second of time,” he said.
We can quibble with this advice, given Stark was a billionaire who managed this meeting by building a time machine that did in fact buy himself some quality time with Dear Old Dad.
Let’s not do that. Instead, let us appreciate some of the many things, big and small, lovely and ugly, serious and not, that $670 million cannot buy.
But before we do, let’s set one rule, and that rule is to not overthink this. So if I say, for example, “a double rainbow,” try to avoid the retort, “Well, maybe not, but for $670 million I could retire and permanently relocate to Hawaii, “The Rainbow State,” where rainbows are common and I’m certain to see a double rainbow or maybe even a triple rainbow...”
Just don’t. Don’t.
Things that $670 million can’t buy:
h A double rainbow. Stop it. What did I just say?
h An end to the shallow, toxic politics that are rending this country like a pair of cheap, threadbare jeans.
h The total peace of mind that would come with knowing that your child’s school, or any school for that matter, will never be the scene of some horrific act of meaningless violence.
h A 100% honest and fact-based political campaign.
The chance you had to sneak out of work for an hour to see your daughter perform in her middle-school talent show, an act that she choreographed entirely on her own.
h The satisfaction of starting a fire using old-school flint-and-steel. Not one of those fancy ferrocerium firestarter rods that everyone thinks of as flint and steel, but the actual rock. No, you’re not paying for expert-level flintand-steel lessons. You can learn it on your own with the Wifi you already have. You don’t need $670 million to make this happen. Quit ruining this for me.
h The startling sight of a coyote darting across Hill Road in Pickerington on a busy Sunday afternoon, a large woodchuck locked in its jaws.
h “Can’t Buy Me Love.” Sure, you can’t buy the real thing, but also the 1987 movie starring Patrick Dempsey and Amanda Peterson. Not on VHS, you can’t. “Temporarily out of stock” my behind, Amazon.
h The ability to undo any of the petty cruelties we inflict on others in our weaker moments.
h The fluke in cosmic timing that puts a shooting star right in front of you as you drag the trash can to the curb, which happened only after dragging yourself out of your recliner, cursing yourself for forgetting to do this miserable chore earlier.
h A lick of common sense. This one is courtesy of your dad.
One last thing about Tony Stark and his dad.
Keep in mind that even with $670 million, we aren’t building a time machine anytime soon.
Maybe never. The late Stephen Hawking wrote, “The best evidence we have that time travel is not possible, and never will be, is that we have not been invaded by hordes of tourists from the future.”
So in this moment in time, and every moment we have until we run out of moments, Tony was right.
No amount of money will buy us a second more, not for ourselves or the people in our lives. This is borne out by teen star Amanda Peterson, who died of an accidental drug overdose at the age of 43.
An island in French Polynesia, without decent company, isn’t worth the heap of coral it is built upon. tdecker@dispatch.com @Theodore_decker