Reader doesn’t want husband to tell mom about surgery

Hi, Carolyn: I have been married to my wonderful husband for over a decade, we have two kids, and live within driving distance of our parents. I am looking into some health concerns (non-life-threatening) that may require a rather major surgery.

My mother-in-law often shares sensitive information about extended family members with us, and likewise has shared our sensitive info with others. The recovery would take several weeks, and I don’t want to offend them by not telling them — but I feel it is a personal issue that will be shared with others against my wishes if they are told.

Is it fair to ask my husband not to tell them about this surgery, should it happen?

— Not Everyone’s Business

It is absolutely fair. Actions have consequences, and her unacceptable blabbing has the natural consequence of costing her access to information. Done.

As far as that goes.

But there’s more to it when you include the consequences of your actions. By choosing not to tell your mother-in-law, you will create other ripples:

* Your husband will have to withhold information from his parents as he (non-)answers their difficult questions, civilly and without lying to them, which is doable but taxing.

* You both will have to get through your recovery, and all the post-op care, child care and housekeeping that entails, without his parents’ help.

* You will assume the risk of his parents’ finding out from some other source besides you and your husband, which is pretty high given that others will assume they know — with a high likelihood of it all rebounding back onto you mid-recovery in the form of their anger and hurt feelings.

* You and your husband will have to carry, for weeks and even beyond, the weight of secret-keeping.

You ask what’s “fair,” but you need to specify to whom. It’s fair to your inlaws to withhold, yes, completely; they earned this. It’s fair to your husband to withhold only if you and he communicate freely about the burden he’ll need to carry for you (rightly); withholding is fair to you only if the pain of your mother-in-law’s blabbing is worse than the hassle of trying to stop her.

Again — she does need to stop, yes, now, immediately. And when I have a magic wand, I’ll prioritize making her stop. In the meantime, all any of us can do is manage the extras that come with not living in a vacuum. And that means weighing the relative merits of two bad options.

None of this means you have to tell his parents, or anyone, anything. This is unequivocally your body, your life, your information to give or withhold. But principles are hard work at a time when you have other, really important work to do for yourself. Please make sure you don’t take on too much.

And, whatever you decide, it sounds like time for you and your husband especially to say to his mom out loud, in much kinder words than mine, “Put a sock in it, Lady, or you’ll hear nothing from us again.”