Holiday cook feels disrespected and taken for granted

Dear Carolyn: I’m a pretty good cook. When I host for holidays, I cook the main dish and supervise the whole meal. But I don’t like to cook in other people’s homes because it takes so much time to find things in a strange kitchen. Plus, non-cooks have crappy equipment, and the hosts have control over the menu and the operation.

When my wife’s relatives host, they always assume I will cook their meal. As a good guest, I take the path of least resistance (and conflict avoidance) and cook for them. In my family, whoever is hosting cooks the big meal while their guests have fun and catch up.

My problem is, certain family members on my wife’s side, due to the usual family issues, refuse to come to holidays at my house. It’s always some last-minute reason, like a pet being sick. It’s a family joke that they have the sickliest pets in history. They beg and plead we must attend at their home — and then just assume I will slave in the kitchen while they get drunk. Because it is my wife’s stepmother, I don’t wish to create drama.

And, let me be honest, I do enjoy cooking for people and it all works out fine.

But what irks me most is that I feel disrespected and taken for granted. Sometimes I’d like to be a guest on vacation with everyone else instead of stressing in the kitchen.

How can I get out of being the cook without ruffling their feathers? The in-laws are extremely entitled and thin-skinned. I must end by noting I strongly feel the menu should reflect the holiday, like turkey on Thanksgiving, not pork loin, like they served once when I didn’t cook.

— Irked

First rule of diner ordering: Abandon “should.” When you order what you think you’re supposed to want, you won’t want what you get.

Second: Don’t expect five-star dining. That specialized thing you crave doesn’t come out of that kitchen, no matter what the menu photo says.

Third: Unless it’s diner-type food. In that case, go for it, let them do what they do best.

In case that’s too cute:

1. Stop agreeing to be taken for granted, ideally with your wife’s support. Don’t let anyone’s thin skin scare you. If you don’t want to cook (wherever), then don’t cook. If your in-laws no-show on you, then don’t scurry to them. Just: “Poor Fido! We’ll miss you.” They can beg you to come to their house or freak out till Valentine’s Day. You’re loving, calm, and staying put. Avoiding conflict is just another way of announcing, “Everyone gets what they want, on me!”

2. So, set the priorities you can, such as, your kitchen only? BYO equipment? Cook-and-carry? Their pork loin beats your pigeonholing? Martyrdom beats lousier alternatives? Decide and conquer. (My column, my adages.)

3. With family, you get what you get. Appraise them and their rituals for what you love, then show up for that, not for what they want from you.

As if you have every right to do so. Because you do.

Merry stuffing to all, and to all a good pie.

Write to Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com