Parents try to control adult child’s connection to family

Adapted from an online discussion. Dear Carolyn: We never spent time with my dad’s family, but one of his siblings and I have a lot of similar interests. I emailed her once to ask something, and we now exchange emails regularly. We haven’t spoken since I was a teen and I’m in my 30s now.

My parents are Not Pleased. My mom is actually really upset that I am talking with her; in high school she made me stop talking to her completely. My father just tells me she will eventually hate me, give it time.

Let’s skip over the emotional baggage that comes from all the times my parents told me people have no interest in me and are just using me. There’s clearly something that really bothers my mom but she won’t openly discuss it with me, so I can only guess what the issue is. I would not be surprised if my mom actively sabotaged my relationship with this person in ways I don’t know about when I was younger, and now she’s afraid it’ll come up.

Am I wrong to continue talking with her?

— Sister, Sister

You’re in your 30s! You can decide for yourself! So, no, it’s not even close to “wrong” to continue talking.

To Mom and Dad, if you want: “I understand you don’t want me to be in touch with X. If you have a specific reason for this, then please spell it out for me so I can judge for myself. Otherwise I will assume it’s just old resentments.” Again, if you want. You are under zero obligation to say this.

And let’s not skip over that emotional baggage. Oh my. I hope, at least, you’ve let a therapist help. Readers’ thoughts:

“I’d say to my parents, point blank, “If you want me to take you seriously, you need to give me a reason. A real one. Until then, I’m ignoring you. Those are your only two options.” I’ve thought of several reasons a parent would want to keep a relative away from his or her kids. (The reasons get a little thin once the kids reach adulthood, but I could maybe be talked into it.) The fact that they’re being cagey about why there’s so much animosity with this one particular aunt, though, is suspicious, and I doubt I’d go along with what they want unless they could produce something really, really convincing.”

“The caginess really makes me think the parents are the cause of the estrangement. Among other aspects of that question.”