Husband feels pressure when wife starts new business

Dear Carolyn: At the end of last year my wife lost her job as a high paid exec.

She looked around for a new job for about three months then decided she wanted to start her own business, but it hasn’t taken off.

We’ve been married 15 years and have three kids and have always lived well on two incomes.

Now we live paycheck to paycheck on my salary and I do part-time jobs on the weekends to bring in a bit of extra cash.

I’m starting to feel pressured that the financial security of the family is all on me and resentful that she is chasing a dream with her own business and isn’t pulling her weight.

I’ve suggested counseling but she isn’t interested.

What should I do?

— Suburban Dad

When someone does something to you, asks something of you, or dumps something on you that you find unacceptable, it’s important to name the thing clearly.

It is also helpful to acknowledge anything positive you see, to preempt defensiveness and encourage cooperation.

And it’s important to be proactive and offer solutions that would be acceptable to you, even if they’re just openings to further discussion.

So, in this case you could:

1. Offer support. “I want you to achieve your dream.” Of course you do.

Right? But it’s still a kindness to say it out loud. And, for what it’s worth, it doesn’t sound as if she’s been at this very long, by new business standards.

2. Name the thing: “It bothers me, though — now to the point of resentment — that you seem OK with my carrying everything indefinitely.” She needs to know about the resentment, since it’s maritally fatal if you let it grow unchecked in the dark. And she needs to know it’s not the lopsided workload that bothers you so much as her (seemingly) complete indifference to your working yourself to a frazzle.

One caveat: Marriages are complicated and memories are long, especially emotional ones. If there’s a history of her taking on more — something obvious, like putting you through grad school, or not-so, like putting up with high-maintenance in-laws — then rephrase. “I’m glad I could pick up the slack for you this time and I did it eagerly, but I’m starting to crack with the stress.”

3. Request the fix: Would her getting a part-time job be enough to satisfy you? Or capping the length of her business’s runway? Or restarting her job search? Or restructuring your lives to cut expenses? Or just giving you some say instead of assuming you’ll carry everyone always?

Please also note this is a lot of talking. A lot of you. It’s for good reason, but it’s also of diminishing utility if you don’t leave room to listen as well. Because, money and kids and suburbs and job losses and under-water new businesses aside, your question really is about the awful feeling of being a subordinate in your own life. Whatever the details, the healthy objective is for you each to be gently holding a rein.