‘Joe-stradamus’ Blundo offers list of predictions for 2022
His annual predictions never come true, but that doesn’t stop ‘Joe-stradamus’
Despite the fact that none of my predictions ever prove accurate, I have a new batch for 2022:
● The omicron strain of COVID will be followed by others with names such as sigma, upsilon and omega. Seeing the pattern, right-wing radio hosts will begin spreading the conspiracy theory that the Greek alphabet is the real cause of COVID. Inevitably, this leads to conspiracy theories linking Greece to the virus, then the movie “Grease” and finally Brian Griese, the football commentator.
● About 150 urgent climate reports will be issued by scientists around the world. The result? Fear of climate change will continue to rank behind fear of spiders, fear of heights and fear of public speaking but will slowly climb past globophobia (fear of balloons) and arachibutyrophobia (fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth).
● Columbus’ hot real estate market will get hotter, with bidding wars breaking out over garden sheds, pup tents and rabbit warrens. A bounce house left out overnight after a kid’s birthday party in Upper Arlington sells for $425,000 by dawn.
● The NCAA will announce that fans are now eligible to enter the transfer portal, just like players. Instantly, Florida International, New Mexico and the University of Texas at El Paso will lose 90% of their fan base. Flooded with new fans, Ohio State is forced to offer online tutorials after several hundred are injured by uncoordinated arm motions during their first attempts at the O-HI-O gestures.
● Celebrities in space in 2022 and their destinations: George Lucas (a galaxy far, far away), Prince Harry and Meghan Markle (Neptune, to escape the paparazzi) and Mickey Mouse (Pluto).
● Joe Biden decides to rebrand in an effort to boost his flagging support. Dissatisfied with anything his staff comes up with, Biden turns to a superheroname-generator, which suggests he dub himself “The Silver Dragon.” The name proves popular with Comic-con attendees but polls badly among mainstream voters who object to a president with wings, a tail and a habit of igniting paperwork every time he yawns.
● Ohio will face a number of urgent crises: homelessness reaching epic proportions, a thick green blanket of algae covering the entire surface of Lake Erie, and an asteroid on a collision course with the state. In response, the Ohio General Assembly will further relax gun laws.
● Relations between red and blue America will deteriorate to the point that some southern state legislatures ban blue-state delicacies such as Manhattan clam chowder, Boston cream pie and California rolls.
In retaliation, blue states prohibit Southern Comfort, Texas toast and Kentucky Fried Chicken. War seems imminent until peace negotiators reach an agreement: Each side gets to ban one food, regardless of its point of origin. The North chooses candy corn, the South goes with lima beans.
And they all eat happily ever after. Joe Blundo is a Dispatch columnist. joe.blundo@gmail.com @joeblundo