Sibling wants to ‘divorce’ sister but keep rest of family

Dear Carolyn: How do you divorce a sister when you have three other siblings you want to stay in touch with? I am the only one who lives in another town. For decades, I have put up with her rudeness, lies, and all-out attempts to diminish me. She enters a room, after not seeing me for months, and walks right by me pretending I am not there. She talks over me when I am trying to speak. When she does speak to me, it is only to tell me how hard her life is, or how wrong I am.

After my mother passed away last month, she barely spoke to me except to yell at me for writing an obituary she agreed to.

I’m done with her, but still want to see my other siblings. How do I manage this untenable situation? I’ve really tried, but I’m ...

— Just Done With It

Short answer, you don’t divorce the sister.

Estrangement is awful. Sometimes it’s necessary — mainly, when being in someone’s presence puts you at risk of physical or psychological injury. That’s when you decide exposure to the problem sister is so painful you’re willing to risk the other siblings if that’s the price for saving yourself.

Is that where you are? Because what you describe looks — and do correct me if I’m wrong — more like advanced fatigue at dealing with an obnoxious, oddly juvenile adult. And getting away from her, as dreamy as it sounds, might not be worth the collateral damage to your bond with your other siblings.

Your geography plays a role in this calculation. Living elsewhere while they’re all in the same town means the planets will rarely if ever align to bring sibs together in different configurations that happen not to include the rude one. You’re in town to see one, I’m guessing, and you see them all.

So instead of an open sisterly divorce, try an internal, mental and emotional split: You still show up as always, you still get ignored by Her Rudeness, and you just ... don’t care. Or learn not to with practice. You say hi to her in a calm way and don’t expect a response. When she talks over you, you pause until she stops, then you say, calmly, “As I was saying,” and resume speaking (also calmly) right where you left off. When she says how hard things are and how wrong you are, then you say, calmly, “I’m sorry to hear that.” When she berates you for doing something she previously agreed to, you say, calmly, “OK, I’ll keep that in mind.” There’s power in self-control.

You can think of this approach as a way to neutralize her, but the reason it works is really that it neutralizes you. For her snubbing you to be effective, you have to care. For her lies and putdowns to work, you have to believe they matter. For her to compete with you on who is right or whose life is harder, you have to enter the competition yourself.

She may escalate as she feels you pull away. Hold your course.

This subtle disengagement may not only preserve your other sibling relationships, but also improve them. And the rude one might soften as she lacks for things to react to.