Parent fears reaction to forcing son to play with friend

Adapted from an online discussion. Dear Carolyn: Occasionally a neighbor kid will come over and ask my son to play.

He’s overweight so his parents make him play outside more — not a cruel amount in my opinion, just enough to get more exercise.

I feel bad when the neighbor kid comes over and my son declines in favor of the screen. They are friends and do play together. But all the other kids prefer screen time, so a lot of the time he’s by himself. Inviting him in is not really an option because his parents want him outside.

When my son does go out, he has fun and usually forgets about whatever he was doing on the screen, but I also worry forcing him will make him resent his friend.

Thoughts?

— Feeling Bad

I’m inclined to let the kids work out when they play.

I do feel for the neighbor, but having managed long stretches of solitude in my own childhood, I can’t endorse the idea that having to entertain oneself is a uniformly terrible thing. Resourcefulness has many roots.

Can we talk about how depressing it is, though, that a neighborhood’s worth of kids is inside on a screen except the one kid forced to go out? Anyway.

Maybe the neighbor can inspire a conversation with your kid about being a good friend. Certainly it’s not your son’s responsibility to make his friend happy — that’s the emotionalboundary side — but it can be a gesture of friendship to think beyond just ourselves and what we want, to what might bring happiness to someone else, thereby in many cases, lifting the joy factor for all.

This could be a really mind-opening topic, especially if you do less speaking and more listening.

Readers’ thoughts:

“A screen time limit might help him choose to play with the kid when he knows he can’t be on the screen much longer anyway. Then hopefully the fun he has with his friend is reinforcing in and of itself. No judgment whatsoever on the screen time, by the way, but just an option if your goal is to get him playing outside more without resenting his friend for it.”

“Does your son understand this friend can only play outside? Maybe spelling that out would help.”