Wife says it’s not her fault if she hurts spouse’s feelings
Carolyn: My wife can be a pretty harsh communicator. And if I tell her she has offended me or hurt my feelings, she replies, “Nobody can offend you/hurt your feelings – only you can decide whether to react that way.”
I feel shut down and invalidated. I hope you can help me either deal with my feelings better, or help us communicate more effectively.
A.
A.: I’d say her communication is ruthlessly effective and clear.
She doesn’t intend to change anything to ease your emotional distress. Your move.
She is a harsh communicator because the views she communicates are harsh.
Yes, you decide how you feel and behave. But the same applies to her – so if she’s knowingly hurtful, then blames you for hurting? Only she can decide whether to act that way, to borrow her phrasing. And her choice sounds abusive.
She can decide instead to listen and acknowledge your point of view, even when she disagrees. That’s something nonabusive people find ways to do respectfully.
Her view is a common, self-serving distortion of emotional basics.
I’ll explain using the royal “we.” We are responsible for our own behavior and feelings, yes, but that includes our effect on others.
It’s our job to read that and respond morally, compassionately, productively, judiciously, to the best of our ability. That doesn’t mean caving – just being mindful of our impact.
The royal we can also choose to be a complete ass instead, since we do have the option – but the repercussions of that choice are on us. Being despised and avoided, for example.
Now for your part: When someone does things you find hurtful or offensive, then you can decide to speak up.
Then, if nothing changes, you can decide to weigh whether you’re the one at fault, or to adjust your behavior in hopes of getting different results.
Then, if the results disappoint, you can decide there’s no healthy way to be around behavior like hers, and decide what’s next for your marriage.
I am happy to validate you: Your feelings matter.
But the validation you need is your own.
Treat your feelings as worth standing up for against your wife’s resistance.
The point of marriage is to combine (emotional, physical, material) resources for a stronger unit than each of you was alone. If you’re diminished by yours, then it’s not working.
Solo therapy or a call to RAINN, 1-800656-HOPE, can help you start to rebuild.