Picky-eater sister-in-law is ‘maddening to be around’

Dear Carolyn: To say my sister-in-law is a picky eater would be a massive understatement. She dislikes more foods than she likes, and feels the need to loudly proclaim her disgust with various foods at every opportunity. More than half the time when dining out, she calls the waiter over to complain about what’s on her plate and asked that it be removed or recooked. When friends are discussing food or cooking and someone mentions a food she hates, she will blurt out “Ewwww! Yuck!” If she’s eating at someone else’s home, she’ll hover over the kitchen preparations, making sure every morsel is prepared to her exact specifications. She is not allergic to foods, she just doesn’t like them. It is maddening to be around her anytime food is involved, but I can’t think of a way to discuss this with her that will not offend her. Can you help? Fed Up in Fresno

Fed Up in Fresno: Discuss this with her to what end?

We’re talking about an adult who blurts out “Ewwww! Yuck!” unironically in polite company whenever someone says “mushroom” or “clam.” So I don’t have exceedingly high hopes that she will yield to the force of your logic.

There are a few things you can do internally, though, to make her less annoying. First, don’t get so caught up in the tasteless behavior that you miss the subtleties of taste in food. People often lump all food refusals that don’t involve allergies under one heading: “optional.” And therefore childish, political or spoiled. No doubt some are – we’re talking about people, after all – but so many intolerances are physiological or principled that the bystanders getting huffy about other people’s food hang-ups are the ones who start to sound childish.

Has a specific food ever triggered your gag reflex? If not, then you’re lucky, but if it has, then it won’t be a stretch to imagine what it would be like if 30 foods had that effect on you instead of just one. Now imagine how you’d feel in a restaurant when one shows up on your plate.

Think neurological, not jerkological, just in general, and you will like people so much better – your sister-in-law arguably included. That could apply to her comments, too. Maybe she struggles with social cues. Maybe she gets anxious and that anxiety knocks her filters askew. Maybe she has taken so much flak over parsley or cucumbers that she’s reactive now at the slightest provocation. Maybe feel lucky, not judgy. Maybe these are a stretch – I suspect so myself – but they’re not intended as justifications. I offer each as a potential access point to your forgiveness reflex. Whenever she starts, you can train yourself to think, “She is not good at this, for whatever reason,” instead of, “She is so infuriating and I need to make her stop.”

This technique may be too squishy for universal use, since you don’t want to force yourself to rationalize, say, marrying or teaming with or even befriending someone who so cranks your nerves so predictably. But an in-law tends not to be an optional part of our lives, like a colleague or assigned roommate or neighbor – and for such mandatory people I recommend any mental exercise that brings their “quirks” down to a bearable size.

Email tellme@washpost.com.