Do longevity tests really tell us anything?

I can’t resist longevity tests.

So when news broke recently that a long-term Brazilian study had found that participants who could stand on one foot for 10 seconds lived longer than than those who couldn’t, I was on one foot immediately.

Did I succeed? Yes. And then, of course, I stretched it out to 20 seconds, reasoning it might protect me from death for twice as long. That wasn’t a conclusion of the study, just the way my brain works.

It can get me in trouble. I used to do the sit-rise longevity test (sit down cross-legged on the floor and rise without support) regularly. Too regularly. I ended up with pain near one hip that lasted a month.

Intellectually, I know that none of these tests promises more life the more often you pass them. But emotionally, I figure if there’s even a small chance that habitually standing around like a flamingo will get me to the far side of the 21st century, hey, why not.

Health advice is a frustrating topic because no sooner does one study indicate miraculous benefits from, say, consuming nothing but kohlrabi and the thymus glands of grass-fed calves than another contradicts it.

The one consistent piece of advice, though, is that you have to exercise — or else. Prescriptions for how much and what types of exercise change over time but the general mandate doesn’t.

I hate this. It’s one of the things in nature that isn’t fair. A beneficial activity should feel good – exercise doesn’t.

I know, I know, runner’s high, endorphins, blah blah blah. I can tell you that in 45 years of running, I have had few moments of hilarity, let alone anything resembling unbridled joy. It’s a slog, most every time.

Hence my attraction to longevity tests. If I can climb four flight of steps without stopping (another longevity test), maybe I can just skip running today because I seem to be in no imminent danger of a cardiovascular shutdown. Or so I argue with myself.

But even the designer of the one-foot study cautions that he’s merely detected a correlation between longer life and good balance. Maybe other factors play a role.

Maybe successful test-takers are more likely to exercise, which is more likely to make it easy to stand on one foot.

Also the study was conducted on 1,700 white Brazilians with an average age of 61. I’m American and 68.

And what if I have less-than-normal grip strength (yet another longevity test) and can’t do 40 pushups (yet another) but find standing on one foot no big deal. Does the latter override the former?

I’ll mull this over further while I trot — grimly — around the neighborhood. Joe Blundo is a Dispatch columnist. joe.blundo@gmail.com @joeblundo