Ex keeping kids from their dad
Dear Carolyn: My husband of 20 years announced to me last year he would start dating other women because I was “neglecting” our marriage. (I take care of kids and have part-time jobs – I’m busy!) I didn’t take him seriously and saw it as yet another attempt of his to get me to reestablish intimacy with him at a level I find unreasonable. He had a problem with sleeping in separate rooms, but it’s an arrangement that was better for my mental well-being. We were raising several school-age children together in relative harmony, although I’m in charge of finances and itineraries because I don’t trust him with money or planning; he is the primary earner. He helps the kids with after-school activities and bedtime routines when I’m at work.
He met someone: apparently, a single mom who is fine with dating a married man with children. I sent her a message telling her to back off and that what she was doing was reprehensible, but I was ignored. I kicked him out and said I wanted a divorce. Now he expects to have the kids stay over at his current home – the mistress’ house! It’s been several months, and I’ve accepted that he’s gone, but I don’t think he should get shared placement when I’ve been the primary parent all these years. And to have them be around his mistress is simply inappropriate. He refuses to agree to my proposed placement plan. I’m being forced to fight in court.
I’ve put the older children in therapy, and I’m seeing a therapist. Obviously, lawyers are involved. But I’m so angry. He honestly disgusts me, and I’m glad to be free of him. But his constant demands to uproot the kids are creating stress for everyone. How can I make him see there are natural consequences to his actions? How do I shield the kids from his dubious choices? – Refusing To Be a Victim
Refusing To Be a Victim: So you want everything but the blame. Let’s imagine the story from his side:
When we had kids, my wife made them her mission, even quitting her career. Great for them, lonely for me.
I tried many times to reestablish the intimacy of our marriage, but she told me I was being “unreasonable.”
I also tried to immerse myself in the kids – not only because I love them and I wanted to, but also to stay close to my wife. But she boxed me out, saying she didn’t “trust” me on big stuff. I could “help” in her absence after school and at bedtime – and to pay for everyone. I felt like a wallet.
She moved into her own bedroom for her “mental well-being.” Mine was not considered. In desperation after years of marital neglect, I told my wife I was going to date other women. Not my proudest moment, but I didn’t know how else to get through to her. She brushed me off and accused me of trying to blackmail her. I met someone. Again, not my proudest moment, but I feel human and wanted again. This time, she took me seriously – by divorcing me.
She’s enraged and refuses to share custody of the kids. I’m worried she’ll poison the kids against me; I’m their father and I love them, but that doesn’t impress her. It’s all about what a saint she is and what scum I am. Tough on me, terrible for the kids. Do you see any other options?
Me again. Per your letter, the facts support this imagined husband’s perspective. So please be open to its message. You just have to accept he’s their father. At least run it by your therapist, please.
Email tellme@washpost.com.