Drum roll ... Equal Rites Awards
BOSTON — On Monday we will gather once more to celebrate Aug. 26, the 93rd anniversary of that historic day when women finally won the right to vote. Our optimistic foremothers fervently believed that the vote would empower women to transform the world.
Our generation is, well, a touch more skeptical. Indeed, we commemorate this day in our own quirky way by assigning our onewoman jury to give out the Equal Rites Awards to those folks who are still doing their best to take us backward.
Ah, so many contenders, so few awards, so ... the envelopes please.
In the honor (or dishonor) of voting suffrage, we begin with the coastto- coast winners of the Double Standard Prize for Shameless Pols. In New York our standard-bearers are Anthony Weiner, the sexting ex- congressman running for mayor, and Eliot Spitzer, the hookerconsorting ex- governor running for comptroller. In San Diego, Mayor Bob Filner with 16 accusations of sexual harassment refuses to ex-it. (Close your eyes now and imagine them as Antonia Weiner, Elinor Spitzer and Roberta Filner.) For the prize we dub them — we hope — losers.
The Battle of the Sexes Ribbon goes to Lt. Col. Jeffrey Krusinski. The Air Force’s chief of sexual assault prevention stands accused of grabbing a woman’s breasts and buttocks in a parking lot. Friendly fire, anyone?
WWSCS? What Would Saxby Chambliss Say? The senator from Georgia squarely blames military rapes on “the hormone level created by nature” among young soldiers. For this muscular reasoning, we give Chambliss the Testosterone Poison Pill Award, making sure it’s hard to swallow.
Was there testosterone in the Iowa Supreme Courthouse? The state’s supremes beat all competitors for the Blind Justice Award when they agreed that a dentist could fi re his assistant because her beauty was “too tempting,” making her “as an irresistible attraction.” Are those robes the justices are wearing? Or burqas?
Speaking of which, we go overseas for the Knight in ( Tarnished) Armor Award, won hands and legs down by a Sumatran mayor who proposed a law to make women ride motorbikes “sidesaddle” because it’s improper for them to sit on a bike with legs spread. We send Suaidi Yahya a bike helmet so he can protect what mod- est brainpower is left.
But for the Ayatollah Award, usually won by an, um, ayatollah, we return home to the land of the free, the brave and the crafters. Here, the Hobby Lobby chain of craft stores is suing so it won’t have to cover emergency contraception for its employees. This time it’s not a mullah but a boss trying to impose his religion.
Wait, this man’s a doctor! With a fair amount of Xanax, we send the Medical Male-Practice Certificate to Rep. Michael Burgess of Texas, who voted for the so- called “pain bill,” outlawing abortion after 20 weeks, on the grounds that fetuses masturbate in the womb. Sayeth Doc Burgess, if “they feel pleasure,” they can feel pain. This certificate is good for one anatomy refresher class.
As for another trip down memory lane, let us not forget the Mad Men Award for ad-humor. This was won by two senior executives at JWT India for their ad bragging about a Figo’s trunk space by showing women bound and gagged and stuffed in it. Ho. Ho. Ho. We send them a pickup truck full of renovated funny bones.
The Boys Will Be (Tech) Boys Citation? This goes to Samsung, which introduced its latest smart- phone with a chorus of ditsy dames using it while drying their nails. We take a photo of that with our iPhone.
But we do not download the rap song by Rick Ross that wins him the Misogyny in Music Songsheet for his lyrics about spiking a woman’s drink with ecstasy. “Put Molly all in her champagne/ She ain’t even know it/I took her home and I enjoyed that/ She ain’t even know it.” We send our pal Rick a doo wop chorus of disapproval.
Finally, and with deep regret we hand out the Dubious Equality Award for the woman who most achieves the least-praised equality with her male peers. It goes to Yahoo’s Marissa Mayer. The same CEO who brings her baby to the office delivered a family-unfriendly fiat for employees: Give up telecommuting or give up your job. For attaining but not changing the C-suite mentality, we award her half a loaf.
And with our own loaf half-filled, we sign off with Susan B. Anthony’s final public words: “Failure is Impossible.”