Save timeouts for serious misbehavior, and be firm

Dear Doctor K: You’ve mentioned timeouts as an appropriate way to discipline young children. But they don’t work for my son, at least the way I’m doing them. What can I do differently?

Answer: When children are young, discipline means teaching them selfcontrol and the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. One way to do this is with a timeout.

The technique doesn’t work well for kids younger than 18 months. After that age, however, your child can increasingly understand what you are saying. Explaining to the child calmly what he did wrong adds to the effectiveness of the timeout.

A timeout involves taking a “break” away from a difficult situation and spending time in a less appealing place. A timeout is a chance for your son to cool down and think about his behavior.

The following tips may help make your son’s timeouts more effective:

Know when to use one. Timeouts are most useful for aggressive, harmful or disruptive behaviors such as hitting, kicking, biting or throwing things — all behaviors that cannot be ignored. That’s because a timeout teaches peaceful problem solving. Timeouts are usually less effective for behaviors that can be ignored, such as temper tantrums or whining.

Make sure you mean it when you say it. A timeout rarely works if you threaten to use it without following through. Once you’ve decided to give one, no amount of apologizing, tears or negotiation should change that decision.

Make sure a timeout is actually happening. A timeout must be enforced so that it happens. If your child refuses to stay in timeout, place him in the timeout chair and hold him gently but firmly by the shoulders from behind for the duration of timeout. There should be no discussion or negotiation during this time.

Don’t sit in the timeout chair yourself and hold the child on your lap. That’s fine to do as positive reinforcement when the child is behaving well, but not when he has been misbehaving and needs some negative feedback.

Make sure the place is right. Remember that timeout works because it removes your child from his favorite activities and takes him away from your attention. Make sure the timeout chair is in a boring place, where your son cannot see the television or other people.

Sometimes a timeout will be necessary when you and your child are not in your home. Wherever you are, perhaps in a shopping mall, be sure that the location you choose for the timeout will be really boring for your child. An important part of making a timeout effective is making it boring, as kids hate to be bored, even more than we do.

Make sure timeout doesn’t last too long. Do not keep your child in timeout for more than one minute for each year of age (for example, about three minutes for a 3-year-old).

Finally, praise good behavior. Make sure your child knows that he will get more attention from you for positive behaviors than for negative behaviors.