Reader’s friends’ ills cause stress
Dear Harriette: I just learned that another friend of mine has cancer. I am going crazy. It feels like every day I learn about somebody else who is battling this hateful disease. I really don’t have the fortitude to be there for all of my friends who are suffering. It literally feels like it is crippling me — and I am not sick, at least not to my knowledge. How can I balance being a good friend and carving out space to not be bogged down by sadness?
— Gotta Go, Detroit
Dear Gotta Go: Years ago, one of my mother’s friends was taking care of her husband, who was enduring an extremely long and painful illness. I’ll never forget that she took a trip once a year to various ports of call. At first I thought it was strange, but then I realized this was how she kept her sanity.
Do not feel guilty for not being God. Manage your time with your friends. Do your best to let each of them know that you care about them and that you will do whatever you can to be of support. But put limits on that support. Let them know when you have to go away or when you need downtime. Stop being on call. You can do that in sprints, but not long-term. The clearer you are about your schedule and your abilities, the easier it will be for everyone around you to manage their expectations of you.
Dear Harriette: I live in an apartment building with thin walls. There is always noise coming from somewhere. Recently, an upstairs neighbor started singing every afternoon, around the same time I come home from work. Plus, she is loud as all get-out. It’s nuts. I know it is her right to sing, but I can’t find a moment of peace now, what with hearing her acting like she’s about to go on stage. What can I do? — Killing Me Loudly,
Bronx, New York
Dear Killing Me Loudly: You can make a detour on your way home from work and buy a white noise machine. This should help diminish the sound of the noise coming from above. You can also delay your arrival by doing something fun.
If she persists past your breaking point, you can knock on her door and very kindly ask her if she could put a rug on the floor that’s directly above you.