Grandma is still bitter over affair after 12 years

Dear Annie : I am the mother of a 4-year-old girl. My mother, “Edna,” watches her for a few hours every Friday while I’m at work.

Last Friday, after I brought my daughter home, she told me, “Grandma was crying today and told me that ‘Grandma Kitty’ is not my grandma.” Grandma Kitty is my Dad’s fiancee. Kitty was the reason for my parents’ divorce 12 years ago. I have managed to forgive both of them for their affair, and we visit them weekly.

I try not to mention either my father or Kitty when my mom is around, knowing she is still quite bitter. But I am aware that she tries to pry information out of my daughter.

I know my mother’s feelings are still hurt, but my daughter doesn’t understand why she shouldn’t call my father’s fiancee “Grandma Kitty.” This woman has been in her life since the day she was born. How can I get my mom to accept this?

— Too Many Grandmas

Dear Too : Acceptance may be asking too much, but you can certainly set boundaries. Make it clear that if she continues, she will not be permitted to babysit. And mean it, even if you have to hire someone to replace her.

Mom has to learn to respect the relationships you have created for your daughter and not undermine your authority as a parent. Twelve years is a long time for Mom to hold onto this grudge. Suggest to her that she get some counseling so she can move forward with her life.

Dear Anni e: This is in response to “Also a Grandma-To-Be,” who disliked the burden of being invited to “sprinkles” for second and third babies.

When I was pregnant with my third child, we didn’t need any baby items. However, my wonderful sister-in-law, gave me a “Diapers and Dinners” sprinkle. This was a small party for close family and friends, and everyone brought a frozen meal, a restaurant gift card or a pack of diapers.

It made those first crazy weeks so much easier.

— Mom of Three

Dear Mom : Your sisterin-law did it right: She only invited family and friends, made it specific to your needs, and kept the gifting to a reasonable amount. We approve.