Family dynamics strain daughter’s relationship

Dear Harriette: My boyfriend and I have been getting serious. I have met all of his children, and I even attended his daughter’s high school plays and graduation at her boarding school in another state. Since I have been invited to so many of their life events, I decided it would be nice to invite my boyfriend to my daughter’s events. I have learned she is incredibly opposed to having my boyfriend there if her father can attend. I have invited my boyfriend to her graduation behind her back, and my ex-husband is bringing his new wife as well. She found out and is not happy with our decisions. What should I do?

— Modern Family Faux Pas, Syracuse, New York

Answer: Your daughter may be holding on to a naive desire to keep some semblance of her family together for her milestone moments.

If she has a good relationship with you and her father, she probably wants the simplicity of her family being present and together, even if it is only for a moment.

You and your ex-husband have moved on while she has not. In order to work this out, you need to talk to her and come to a meeting of the minds.

It may be that you grant her the gift of her milestones without your new families — because these are her moments.

Or you work it out with her so that she is willing to welcome these other people into her life. Decide together rather than behind her back.