Bitter friend needs advice on marriage

Dear Harriette: I was hanging out with a group of friends last weekend when I heard a kind of disturbing thing. As we were going around the room telling things about ourselves, it became apparent that one of our friends is in trouble. She is so bitter. Each of us was saying how long we had been married, and when it got to her, she said the number — which was above 15 years — but with disdain. She then uttered under her breath that it probably wasn’t going to last. That one comment blossomed into a long list of things that are wrong with her husband and her marriage. It was awkward since he was definitely within earshot. I tried to calm her down, in part by suggesting that we talk about it privately later. But now, I really don’t know what to do. I’m not a therapist, and I have no idea what to say. I know couples go through all kinds of stu� over the years, but I can’t advise her. Should I back out? If not, what should I say?

— No Advice Here, Saratoga Springs, New York

Dear No Advice Here: If your friend follows up to get together, you can agree to meet with her. Before the conversation gets cooking, say upfront that you are no expert. Be a good listener, but if she wants advice, suggest she go directly to a professional. Tell her you care about her and her husband and family, and you pray that they can find peace. If she asks you to take sides, tell her that you will not. You have learned that it is very important not to get in the middle. It is up to them to figure that out.

Dear Harriette: Iamat a loss for how to help my niece, who is almost 30 years old and still doesn’t have her life together. She never finished college. She has not been able to keep a job because she hasn’t developed the discipline to get up on time if she doesn’t like the work. I can’t believe it, but I look into the future and only see her as a leech. Like she could become a brilliant homeless woman. How can I help her to turn her life around?

— Olive Branch, Dallas

Dear Olive Branch: Sometimes you have to let go in order to give people the space to figure out where they are in their lives. Your niece needs to hit her own bottom in order to determine how to climb out of it. Tell her that you will be there for her when she starts making smart choices, but for now, you have to love her from a distance.