Rude behavior results in alienation
For the past two decades, my life has been an episode of the sitcom “Everybody Loves Raymond” on steroids.
My mother-in-law has made a wonderful grandmother, but she has constantly criticized my weight, my hairstyle, what I feed my children and how I dress and discipline them. She always does this out of earshot of her husband and son. I have kept my mouth shut to keep the peace, and I respect my dear father-in-law and husband too much to tell her off and cause a family rift.
Six months ago, she got a Facebook account for the first time. She wrote something rude about another family member, not knowing everyone could see it. We went over to show her how to remove it and explained that the whole world could see her inappropriate comment. She got defensive and called me hurtful names. I called her a troublemaker and walked out.
She hasn’t spoken to me since, and neither has my father-in-law. He was not even there, so I can’t imagine what she told him. My husband was there and knows I didn’t do or say anything wrong and is not reaching out to them because he knows his mother was wrong.
I tried writing my father-in-law a letter but got no response. His alienation hurts because I can’t believe he would go along with this. I know she will never apologize, but how do we rectify this if they continue to ignore phone calls, cards and letters? They are elderly, and I am afraid something will happen and my husband will live the rest of his life with regret.
The thing about sitcoms is that no matter how bad a family feud is, everything is neatly restored by the end of the 30-minute time slot, and the studio audience issues a collective “aww.” If only.
Your husband has the biggest role here. Encourage him to set his (justified) anger aside and pay his parents a visit. No matter how big a drama queen she is, it will be hard for his mother to slam the door in the face of her baby boy. Once he’s made amends, he can help smooth things over for you, too.
The other day, you published a letter from “Senior in Connecticut,” who is discomforted by public workers who call older patrons “honey” and other such terms.
If I may offer a view from the other side: Public servants, as we might be referred to, are often subjugated to these terms, as well. As a young woman in the public workforce, I am often subjected to older men calling me such names. I have been told, as you offered, that it’s more of a personal preference to be called by these names or not. As you can probably guess, it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. Just like “Senior in Connecticut,” I interpret these names to be derogatory and demeaning, not flattering.
A good solution to both of our problems might be this: Don’t call someone by one of these names unless you are sure that the person is comfortable with it. Asking certainly never hurts. And to those who are shaking their head and disagreeing, saying that it’s “harmless”: Is respecting someone else’s wishes really that much of a burden on you?