MISS MANNERS It’s not you... it’s me

Dear Miss Manners: You receive a lot of questions about cutting people from relationships. Why is it unacceptable to just say, gently, “I think our relationship is over because of X, Y and Z. I don’t think we really have much to discuss. I wish you well, but in light of this realization, I do not want to be your friend.”

Gentle Reader: Because it is mean. Even someone who would be relieved to give up the pretense of a relationship that wasn’t working would feel bad at being dismissed as unworthy.

Thus the prevalence of ghosting. But being shunned is an extreme punishment, augmented with an unnerving and unending sense of doubt. So ghosting, and even sterner methods (such as getting a restraining order), should be reserved for those who refuse to accept the break.

Ordinary breakups deserve something more gentle. However, even Miss Manners cannot devise a charming way to say, “Go away; I’ve had enough of you.” She can only beg you to do the minimal damage that gets the job done.

So the kind dumper assumes the blame. Hence that old standby, “It’s not you, it’s me,” rather than your version of “It’s you.” And “This is not a good time for me” is better than “I’ll never have time for you;” as “I’m really too busy these days” is better than “I’m not that desperate.”

True, no one believes those euphemisms. But they hurt less. And surely you owe that much to someone for whom you must have at least once cared.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews Mcmeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.