Parent craves support after busting teen for smoking pot

Adapted from an online discussion. Dear Carolyn: So my 16-year-old son opted to smoke a joint at home this week late at night. I smelled it and confronted him. We took away his driving privileges for two weeks and also limited his screen time. It’s been a week from hell and our son is upset and so are we. I knew raising teenagers would not be easy, but I had no idea it would be this lonely. I have a couple friends I knew would commiserate and offer support, but mostly we have kept this to ourselves. It feels like all we hear about from parent friends is the highlight reel and ACT scores, and sport achievements and cute girlfriends. It feels dangerous to walk up to them at the soccer field and say, “So we busted our kiddo smoking pot this week and we are freaked out and worried and, oh, how are you?” How do parents manage through this? Lonely

Lonely: A few things:

1. The “highlight reel” parents either know their kids are up to stuff but aren’t saying so out loud, or are so blinkered they’re not to be taken seriously as information sources, or have outlier kids so they aren’t helpful to you, or (rare cases) have tyrannized their kids into obedience. This is not to say all 16-year-olds are getting high, just that most are rebelling in some way because they’re wired to.

2. If you want your kids to be roiling units of stress made flesh, go stand on the sidelines and brag about their ACTS.

2a. I’m glad you found some parents to talk to. Don’t worry about the others.

3. What were you doing at age __? Remember this as you respond to anything your kids do. If you’re all lucky, you’ll have that awesome dawning moment that you did X times worse when you were Y years younger. Calibrate your fears and responses accordingly.

3a. What did your parents do when they busted you at age __? Did it work? Give your kid parents as good as yours, or better.

4. Experts are godsends. Pediatrician, therapist, veteran school counselor. Think credentials and years working with teenagers. The words of someone who has Seen It All are like putting cold toes in a hot tub. That’s where I learned the distinction between disapproving of something and actually stopping it. They’ll find ways, but you can be unequivocal about its being without your permission and against good judgment, and why.

5. Stay cool. Adolescents are roiling, and need you not to be.

6. Show your love. Always. Even when you’re angry and upset.

I’ll let others fill out your community: h A “couple of friends” (and maybe your therapist) is PLENTY. Teens deserve not to have their mistakes broadcast to every parent you know just so you can vent and bond.

h Kids experiment and do dumb stuff. They need correction but don’t make it the end of the world.

h I was a moderate rule-breaker and thank goodness there were no serious injuries involved. I would suggest saying why you are against your kid smoking, and back it up with evidence. Your kid is too old for “just say no,” which never worked.

Email tellme@washpost.com.