The Commercial Appeal

Should niece’s fear of dogs be accommodat­ed at gatherings?

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Dear Carolyn: I am about to host a family gathering – three siblings, our spouses, and as many adult kids, spouses and grandkids as are available – for one Sunday this month. It’s an annual tradition that historical­ly took place at my parents’ home. Due to isolation during COVID and the deaths of both of our parents, unfortunat­ely, we’re regrouping this year and reimaginin­g this get-together.

My home is the preferred location to gather due to our house being the largest. The problem is with my youngest niece and our dog. My niece is a teen and has been terrified of our dog for a decade.

Our dog does get excited (barks and wants to play) but has never bitten or harmed anyone. We have never even heard her growl. She absolutely loves when we have company over and plays until she collapses and falls asleep in the midst of everyone.

Although I don’t know the specifics, my understand­ing is that my niece has a number of fears and anxieties for which she is receiving both counseling and medication.

Here’s my problem: In the past, we have tried to make accommodat­ions without actually locking up or removing the dog from our home. We keep her on a leash or in one part of the house while niece is in another. Niece has, of late, resorted to simply not attending events that take place at my home.

I have an inkling that I’m seen as prioritizi­ng a dog over a person by not “fixing” this situation. From my perspectiv­e, though, my husband and I have made many accommodat­ions – in addition to those related to the dog - for many family members’ needs, and this is where we draw the line. I feel that if we continue to contort ourselves to the unique needs of every person who visits us, then we’ve lost our autonomy in our own home.

Can you help me see this situation from another perspectiv­e?

Anonymous

Anonymous: You could take the dog off-site for one day.

You choose not to.

Of course you’re prioritizi­ng a dog over a person. Having your reasons doesn’t change that. Call it what it is.

Though I suggest you don’t share with your niece how much your dog looooves to have company!!!

It is your home, so it is your prerogativ­e, of course, not to kennel your dog – or send her to doggy day care or a play date at a friend’s house, or book her with a profession­al pet sitter who takes dogs in, or otherwise “contort ourselves.”

But like any choice, it has consequenc­es, and the consequenc­e of this one is that your niece, your apparently fragile adolescent niece, opts out.

I’ll hold up my bona fides as a dog person against anyone’s – but I’m not backing you here. Especially since you say yourself that you’ve accommodat­ed others’ “unique needs” but “draw the line” at a child with mental health struggles. Because now, now, your “autonomy” counts?

Impact of exclusion on dog, negligible. Impact of exclusion on adolescent girl, ongoing. Have the guts to call it what it is. Then either own it, or make a different choice.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com

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