The Dallas Morning News

The upsides of having one child


Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: Can someone say something nice about only children, either being or having one? I have infertilit­y after having our 5-year-old and I am trying to accept the upsides of it, which I know are many. But I tend to look on the dark side in general and all my friends have two-plus.

Dark Side Dark Side: Oh my goodness, a ton of good things. Fewer sacrifices, more money, more mobility, more intimacy, more flexibilit­y in how you create a noisy kid-filled household, if that’s still what you want. I loved my loud, crowded family experience­s — growing up and as a parent — but neither family was nimble enough for ambitious travel, for example.

Life means trade-offs. You drew one card instead of another. That’s all. Not less, merely different.

I’ll let readers take it from here:

■ The onlies I know are all really welcoming of all kinds of people, flexible and agile at making friends. I think on the willingnes­s-to-put-themselves-out-there scale, they are at the top, because they’ve always had to in order to have a friend around.

■ I was a lot more independen­t and comfortabl­e around adults than my peers with siblings. I was free to do things after school without having to babysit another sibling. I made my own “siblings” with longtime friends and exchange students.

■ I remember so fondly the intimate closeness of our little three-person family unit. My parents clearly loved spending time with me. Growing up, I did want siblings frequently, but I also appreciate­d the unique coziness of being an only.

■ Your child will never text you at work to tell you their sibling called them an idiot.

■ I don’t have to think about entertaini­ng kids of multiple ages.

■ Minivan not necessary, only one back-to-school night to attend, one college education to save for, vacations are less costly, I could go on.

■ I only want one kid. Because (among many other reasons) my brother abused me. Everyone says, “But don’t you want your kids to be best friends?” Sure, I would love that. But what if the worst case scenario happens?

■ You don’t have to have fewer children in your life. My daughter has a large group of friends and we enjoy hosting. There’s lots of fun, laughter and chaos in this house.

■ A family is as healthy/ functional as it is, regardless of number of children.

■ All the stuff about only kids being spoiled is nonsense — our singleton is so good with people of all ages and all walks of life.

■ I’m an only child. My parents got it right the first time, so they didn’t need to have any more. At least that’s what my grandma used to say to the Judgey Mcjudgeypa­nts ladies in her bridge group.

■ The thing about siblings is they’re basically random people you’ve never met before who you’re forced to share your life and your home with. For everyone who loves their sibling, you’ll find someone whose sibling is their worst enemy.

■ With a 5-year-old, any spacing now would be big. I can’t tell you about only children, but I can tell you that big spacing has major downsides.

■ These don’t mean you should bury your grief over the vision you had for your family. Feel it, mourn, then embrace your life as it is.

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