Too much thinking can take away even a (non) runner’s high

A nd now for another installment from Columnist of the People (COTP), a pathetic Dear Abby knockoff for casual sports fans.

Today's topic: An ode to all participants in Saturday's 55th John & Jessie Kelley Road Race at Ocean Beach.

OK. So you're going to run 13.1 miles today. Mad props and bon mots. Much love. Don't know how you do it, given that COTP just about sees Jesus by the end of his paltry 3.1 miles a few times per week. But COTP wonders: Do actual runners know what non-runners (COTP still considers himself a non-runner) are thinking, when we're coughing and wheezing our way through the streets?

Runners, at least in COTP's experience, describe their runs as if they're some metaphysical experience. Wind in their hair. Clear head. And therein is the problem. COTP thinks when he runs. Hence, he needs a runner's wisdom. To wit:

• Runners think anyone can be a runner. Simply not true. When COTP runs past you, you look beautiful and graceful. COTP is jealous, thinking — overthinking — about how awesome you look, trying really hard not to drag his feet, trip on the sidewalk or drift into traffic. Again.

• Did you ever play the video game Super Off Road? The gist is that you drive a monster truck around and, in order to get over the jumps, you have to use your nitro packs. COTP always looks behind runners who pass him to see if he was left a prize. When his legs come to a screeching halt, COTP looks for the magical nitro pack on the street (or maybe just a bottle of water?) for the fuel to finish the run.

• Who is happier when they run? The dog or the human? One always looks happier than the other.

• What kind of waves are we non-runners supposed to give? Truth

be told, sometimes raising COTP's hand is all he can muster. Should COTP issue a beauty pageant wave? Military salute? And while we are on the topic, from how far away should waves come? COTP gets excited upon seeing someone coming from the other side of the street, thinking, hey, COTP can run, wave and chew gum at the same time.

• Sometimes COTP wonders if anyone would ever notice whether he passed out. Or would people think nothing of the fat guy sprawled out on the side of the road breathing heavy?

• Do runners look at their shadows when they run? COTP does. Sad story. Could the pace be THAT slow? Arthritic snails go faster.

• COTP is on record as having road rage and grocery store rage (seriously, get out of the way). Now there's runner rage. COTP tries to listen to his music. And yet thoughts inevitably degenerate into why the Giants' offensive line can't protect Eli, women, people who generally annoy COTP and even Friday's predicament: getting stuck behind a garbage truck in traffic in the middle of summer. This is sort of the anti-runner high.

• Seems to COTP that non-runners never get a runner's high. COTP remains hopeful, always thinking, well, maybe this will be the day. Instead, you know what COTP gets? Sweaty. And sore. That's about it. So, after all this thinking about, you know, thinking … I think: Why on earth does COTP run? And then the epiphany came.

COTP runs because he doesn't otherwise have a chance to think about stuff. Daily life is like fertilizer in the field: all over the place. You're worried about kids, work, chores … and you never get a chance to think about the important stuff. Like whose grass would be the softest to pass out on or which one of his friends would understand if he came barreling through the door and had to make an emergency restroom stop … or even who'd understand if COTP didn't make it in time.

And so, all you Kelley Race people, good luck today. You are real runners. Now you know what the running riff raff is thinking. Or overthinking. Have fun being metaphysical. This is the opinion of Day sports columnist Mike DiMauro