Rick’s List

One of the most popular features in our newspaper is the daily enumeration of crimes/alleged criminals populating our police logs column. As reporters who compile these items, we follow a carefully calibrated list of offenses that are or are not inscribed on the crime logs of various local police departments that we routinely peruse. Truth told, I’m not sure who came up with which precise acts of misconduct we include in Police Logs and why others aren’t run.

However, as a citizen with a low threshold of annoyance — somewhere between Larry David and a starving lion jolted with a bacon-scented taser — I think I can come up with a Rick’s List version of “Police Logs” that would serve as a balm for my weary soul. Here’s a representative sample: 1 Lou Chugwook, 47, of Salem, was charged Friday with parking his car in front of the fuel pumps at Tom’s Convenience Store and Gas, then, without purchasing any gasoline or buying anything at Tom’s, crossing the street to Dunkin’ Donuts for coffee and donuts before finally wheezing back across the road and driving off, enabling the nine automobiles that have piled up behind him, all legitimately requiring gas, to finally move forward. 2 And by the way, Lou Chugwook, 47, of Salem, was charged Friday with having too many asinine and “cute” bumper stickers on his Chevy Blazer. (If found guilty, Chugwook will be required to add a bumper sticker that reads, “This car clearly doesn’t belong to Immanuel Kant.”) 3 Dumpling Fawver, 27, and Big Un’ Fawver, 29, of Moosup, were charged at 11:16 p.m. Saturday with taking their not-starving children Kitty, 8, Rocky, 9, and Punkin, 11, to the extremely crowded Mohegan Sun, then spreading the whole family, fan-like and side-by-side, across the main corridor of the Winter Casino, each peering intently at hand-held devices while they ate slices of pizza and proceeding at a speed barely discernible to any device other than a time-lapse camera, creating a bottleneck of gamblers that extended backwards, colliding with the 10,000 fans just exiting a sold out arena show featuring the latest pop/rap sensation. 4 Latest Pop/Rap Sensation, 22, of Brooklyn, N.Y., was charged Saturday with abuse of auto-tune, recklessly replicating the exact same, pouting-yet-sullen rhythmic vocal delivery as every other Pop/Rap Sensation, and using a guest diva to torture dipthongs in “the hook” through the vocal felonly known as melisma. 5 Fast food chains Whataburger, In-N-Out Burger, Torchy’s Tacos, White Castle, Steak and Shake, Arby’s and Jack in the Box were charged every stinkin’ day with abandonment and cruelty for not having franchises in southeastern Connecticut. 6 Rick Koster, 62, of New London, was charged Friday with being crotchety and having a head like a kicked-in Jack-o’-lantern.