Bride-to-be attempts to keep costs, hurt feelings down

DEAR ABBY: I have an awkward wedding conundrum I hope you can help me with. I am getting married in April and want to invite two co-workers with whom I am very close. One of them is married; the other, “Sara,” is in the process of divorcing her husband. Sara was unhappy for years with her almost ex-husband, and we witnessed the deterioration of their marriage over several years.

About a year ago, while still married, Sara began an affair. She’s still “seeing” this man — sneaking out, meeting him on his lunch break, going to motels — while she goes through the divorce process. She considers them to have been a couple for the past year.

I’m keeping a very tight grip on my guest list to control the costs. I don’t want to pass judgment on Sara, but I don’t think her situation at present qualifies as a true, committed relationship, which is the parameter I set when deciding who gets to bring a plus-one. I also don’t want my wedding to be the event where she “debuts” her new man.

I know she will feel slighted because in her mind he’s her boyfriend, and they are a couple. I have met him only once, but because they have been so secretive, he’s a stranger to me. Sara may resent that I invited our other co-worker’s husband and not her “boyfriend.” Is there a way I can handle this tactfully? — BEWILDERED BRIDE

DEAR BEWILDERED: If you invite one close co-worker’s significant other and exclude the other, there are guaranteed to be hurt feelings. If you explain that you don’t feel she is in a committed relationship (after a year!), you will get yourself deeper into hot water because she will be insulted. Believe me, if you do what you are considering, it’s going to cost you far more than the price of two dinners.

DEAR ABBY: I’m a 67-yearold woman. I’ve been single all my life but now wish I could find a companion to share my later years with. My problem is, I’m not interested in a sexual relationship. I have never been good at the physical part of intimacy. As a result, I’ve had limited experience and not much luck with men. When I was younger, I had a reasonably healthy sexual appetite, but couldn’t seem to do “the act” right, although I enjoyed the prelude.

My idea of a relationship now would be with a kind, supportive man who likes to dance and enjoy life, but who’s OK with no sex. Is this a reasonable expectation, or should I just give it all up? I don’t even know how I’d go about finding such a partner without fearing I’d have to experience more loss.

Incidentally, I had counseling years ago about other issues, and the possibility of childhood sexual abuse arose, but it was vague and not resolved. — WANTING THIS, NOT THAT

DEAR WANTING: I can’t guarantee that you will find a partner, but there is a website for asexual people that offers a lot of information as well as a way to connect with the rest of the “ace” (short for “asexual”) community. Its members call it AVEN, Asexual Visibility and Education Network. It can be found at asexuality.org. You may find it helpful, and I wish you luck in your quest to find a loving relationship.