‘Warden, I don’t have much of an appetite but ...’

According to figures released late last year by the nonprofit Death Penalty Information Center, the five-year average of new death sentences, 26.6 annually, is the lowest in a half-century. And the fiveyear average of actual executions, 18.6 per year, is the lowest in more than 30 years.

Times are tough if you’re a penal system chef whose only job is to prepare the iconic “Last Meal” for condemned prisoners!

The same study indicates state and federal prisons laid off a significant 42.4 percent of “Last Meal” chefs in the same period. Wow!

Growing up in Dallas — “TEXAS! Execute or Die!” read one jolly, ubiquitous and didn’t-really-make-sensewhen-you-thought-about-it bumper sticker of the time — our vocational schools and shops curriculum always had courses for aspiring “Dead Man Walking” chefs. The catalog copy read something like this:

“Providing technique, practical instruction and culinary vocabulary on a wide range of provincial and international cuisines in anticipation of expansive, last-gasp (and possibly outlandish, ‘I’ll show YOU!’) requests from The Damned.”

I’m not sure I’d have much of an appetite as the Reaper counted down my last minutes. Plus, I’d be rehearsing my “Does the prisoner have any last words?” speech — which, taking a cue from Senator Strom Thurmond’s 1957 Civil Rights Act filibuster, a long-winded effort that lasted 24 hours and 18 minutes, would hopefully go on a for a month or two.

Now, it is true that Aileen Wuornos, put to death after being convicted of murdering six men, ordered a single cup of coffee for her last meal. But that wasn’t because of nerves. Instead, Wuornos reportedly refused to eat as a protest against the prison’s abusive treatment. That’ll show ’em, Aileen!

Otherwise, the idea of impending execution doesn’t seem to have lessened the appetites of many killers, and it’s easy to go online and read lists of memorable last meals from convicts. And, yes, many seemed to take advantage of the policy. I’ll not dignify the murderers by naming them here, but two extreme and real examples:

HUNGRY CONVICT #1 — two pounds of bacon; large four-meat pizza; four fried chicken breasts; two drinks each of Mountain Dew, Pepsi, root beer, sweet tea; two pints of ice cream; five chicken fried steaks; two hamburgers with bacon; French fries; and a dozen garlic breadsticks with marinara.

HUNGRY CONVICT #2 — two dozen steamed mussels, two dozen steamed clams, a double cheeseburger from Burger King, half-dozen barbecued spare ribs, two strawberry milkshakes, half a pumpkin pie with whipped cream and diced strawberries, and a 16-ounce can of room temperature spaghetti with meatballs.

A few quick questions about the menu of Hungry Convict #2: How close was the nearest Burger King to the Death House? Did the warden personally hit the drive-thru to secure the order and did he sneakily order himself some fries? Also, do diced strawberries really go with pumpkin pie? Finally, what’s up with the tepid canned spaghetti?

I’m pretty sure what I’d order for my last meal. A few quarts of creole gumbo from Dooky Chase’s in New Orleans would work in grand fashion. Then the warden would say, “No, Dooky Chase’s is too far for me to drive,” and I’d say, “OK, I trust our inhouse and specially trained Last Meal Chef to make the gumbo,” knowing that, with his extensive culinary

education, it would properly take a while to craft a proper roux — possibly buying me four or five additional hours of sweet life.

“Do you, Rick Koster, have any last words?”

“Bon appetit!”

What about you? What would be your last meal on Death Row? (And, please, don’t go murder anyone just because I’ve provided a bit of romantic context to this scenario. Or because you’re hungry.) Let me know by email at r.koster@theday.com and we’ll share some of the responses.

Two weeks ago, “A Question of Taste” addressed foods you simply refuse to eat. Here’s what some of you thought:

“TOMATOES!! I hate tomatoes. The skin, the seeds, the texture, and the smell are all repulsive to me. Oddly enough I love everything made with tomatoes as long as all pieces of tomatoes are puréed beyond recognition. This includes pasta sauce, tomato soup, salsa, and catsup.

I enjoyed your column about foods you dislike. I love to eat as well but certain foods just turn my stomach too. Mainly it’s a texture thing for me. Any rubbery foods like most seafood, the skin of foods like apples, and seedy foods like the aforementioned tomato and cucumbers. Happy Eating,”

— Mary Fontaine, Oakdale

“Never again will I eat boiled peanuts. Blech! One thing I will never eat is that putrefied Icelandic shark meat, hakarl. If you can’t find some around here, you can just marinate your swordfish in a strong ammonia solution.

“My husband will not eat beans in any way, shape, or form. Something about childhood trauma. Nothing to do with bodily gas or sticking beans up his nose. It’s a mystery. Bon appetit.” — Laura Dreimiller, Gales Ferry

“It really comes down to one: Brussel sprouts, also known as ‘little green balls of death.’ That could come from my time in the Navy, as the ones served had been frozen. They had a taste somewhere between cardboard and pressboard, only less tasty. Supposedly, the fresh ones are better, but I am not ever going to find out.

“Kale is a close second. It has to be “prepared” quite intensively, but it still tastes so horrible that serving it to prisoners of war should violate the Geneva Convention. I’d rather eat alfalfa.

“But back to your original column... I lived for a time in a midwestern town that had a White Castle, a Steak and Shake and an Arby’s, all within a mile. Why I didn’t have a cholesterol reading of 55 is unknowable.” — Stephanie Belser, Groton

“Sushi, squid, anything really spicy, pickles and olives, although I use an abundance of olive oil. Soupy, pepperoni, blood sausage, and whatever it is they call the stuff made of cow intestines.”

— Fran Bonardi, Pawcatuck

“Love this subject (& your columns too)!! So glad to hear that someone else hates mushrooms as much as I do! How in the world could someone eat something that is so ugly and smells and tastes like dirt?! Next up on my list is eggs, all types. Again mostly because of the smell, but texture is a problem too. I won’t even look at, let alone taste, meringues, flans, creme brulees, custards, quiches, etc., etc. Avocados are next. Just plain gross. And last on my top hates list is marshmallow. So that includes s’mores at camp, I just ate the chocolate and graham crackers! Bon Appetit!” — Judy Davies , Lyme