Somewhere, the Earl of Sandwich is smiling

In 1966, Woody Allen wrote a comic story for The New Yorker in which he imagined the process by which the Earl of Sandwich came to invent the much-loved food item that bears his name.

Titled “Yes, But Can the Steam Engine Do This?,” the piece takes the form of a chronological, bullet point account of the earl’s years-long experiments ultimately resulting in the creation of … the sandwich. Included are high points such as the earl’s school days, where he showed an unusual fascination with cold cuts; marrying a greengrocer’s daughter who would “teach him all he will ever know about lettuce”; periods of impoverished research and prototypes — he “skimps on meals to save money for food” — and a series of failures wherein, first, he places a slice of turkey atop two slices of bread and, next, an oh-so-close effort with two slices of turkey with bread in the middle.

Ultimately, the earl succeeds with ham between two pieces of bread and, in a burst of inspiration, a slathering of mustard! Fame beckons and, years later, on his death, the earl is honored by being laid to rest in Westminster Abbey.

“Steam Engine” remains one of the funniest humor pieces I’ve ever read, and Allen seemed to instinctually anticipate every possible real-world combination of elements that would go into the myriad and e’er-expanding recipes falling in the category of “a sandwich.”

And yet … Allen did not foresee that, here in the Year of Our Lord 2023, Burger King would unveil “The Real Cheese Burger.”

You read it correctly: There is a space between “Cheese” and “Burger,” a grammatical device that emphatically alerts us to the fact that this is a significant moment in sandwich-ness!

But you’ve already heard about this, right?

Because, even though the world is literally melting and we as a species are fueled solely by the sort of hatred that can only result in assured destruction, The Real Cheese Burger is news that, if only for a brief period of time,

staggers our collective consciousness.

Oh, and just in case you HAVEN’T heard, Burger King’s The Real Cheese Burger was/is a “limited time only” recipe that debuted last month — exclusively in Thailand, for some reason — and calls for 20 slices of American cheese on a bun.

Period. No meat, no condiments.

Epiphanic!

The Real Cheese Burger is the sort of creationist moment philosophers, physicists and religious mystics have for centuries argued about, prayed about and theorized formulaically on chalkboards in great halls of learning — that precise instance when Nothingness becomes Something! They just never imagined what form it would take, and that it would be available for a limited time only in Thailand (albeit with the possibility of fries and a drink in a “meal deal” combo).

Reached by Ouija board, the Earl of Sandwich said, “Why didn’t I think of that?”

Well, possibly because the Burger King is a KING. He’s not the Burger Earl. But that’s OK. As long as we The Real Cheese Burger has Big-Banged its way into existence!

I also can’t help but think there are some heated discussions and frantic design rollouts going on in the boardrooms and labs as fast food companies across the country scramble to keep up.

At Sonic, they’re discussing the possibility of a Cheese Burger with THREE spaces between “cheese” and “burger.” At Five Guys, a prototype sandwich is rumored that will feature 20 slices of American cheese but also ONE slice of Swiss.

Woody Allen himself has been observed by paparazzi crafting a sandwich consisting of 20 slices of bread between two slices of Pyrénées Sheep cheese.

Meanwhile, the hospitality industry in Thailand reportedly collapsed in efforts to meet the demands of a raging river of tourists arriving to sample The Cheese Burger. Special tour groups had to be delivered by specially guarded buses through emergency travel routes to participating Burger King locations. And bright entrepreneurs were setting up stands on street corners offering counterfeit The Cheese Burgers to those who are desperate.

Meanwhile, as was only proper, an honor guard assembled at Westminster Abbey, at the tomb of the Earl of Sandwich, and offered a 21-Cheese Salute.