Friend’s teasing spouse ducks out during visits
DEAR ABBY: About 10 years ago, I visited my oldest and dearest friend, who I see a few times a year. The last time, her husband, who I’ve also known for years and who I thought was a friend, started teasing me. I can take a joke, but the teasing got mean. Eventually he stopped, and I continued my visit.
I was really angry at him, but because I didn’t want to involve my friend, I sent him an email. I told him I thought his teasing went too far and to please not do it again. He never replied. Now when I visit my friend, her husband is never there. He stays away. I haven’t seen him in years.
My friend makes silly excuses why he isn’t at home when I visit. In fact, the last time I went I saw him driving away when I drove up! I don’t hold a grudge against the guy. I think it’s sad that he has to run away. Should I say something?
— PERPLEXED IN CALIFORNIA
No. You dealt with your friend’s husband appropriately without involving his wife. Enjoy your visits with her, and do
DEAR PERPLEXED:
not drag her into this. I see no reason to raise the subject. Your problem is solved.
DEAR ABBY: I’m a gentleman who would like to date more than I do. I want to ask a woman in my church choir out for coffee or lunch on a Sunday afternoon. But I get so nervous I get knots in my stomach. I know dating is one of the things I need to leave in God’s hands and have His help in getting over the nerves.
I like my friend in the choir a lot. I think she’s a wonderful and caring person. I want to get to know her better because, even though we’ve said “Hi” and “Bye” and exchanged glances during choir practice on Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings, I don’t know her heart and what makes her tick. Can you offer some advice?
— PAINFULLY SHY IN MISSOURI
DEAR PAINFULLY SHY:
Start treating the woman as you would a friend rather than a love interest. Asking
a fellow choir member to join you for coffee afterward or for a lunch could be a healthy, nonthreatening beginning of a relationship. (Notice I didn’t use the word “romance.”) Because you want to get to know her better, summon your courage and let her get to know YOU better. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend I occasionally meet for breakfast. She always stops someplace en route and brings takeout coffee into the restaurant. I am often kept waiting because she’s in a drive-thru getting that drink. I find it embarrassing that she joins me with drink in hand from elsewhere. How should I handle this?
— EMBARRASSED IN THE EAST
Ask your friend why she does it. It’s possible she simply doesn’t like the coffee that restaurant serves, although she does enjoy their food and your company. I don’t think you should tell her it embarrasses you, because it is really no reflection ON you.