Your menu has a pedigree
As you possibly don’t know, Cornell University has a Hospitality Management Program.
I’m trying to imagine the scenario back at the old homestead when a neighbor hears the kid next door has been accepted into the Ivy League and, to offer congratulations, heads over and knocks on the door.
“Bill! Sandra! I just heard the good news. Fantastic! Imagine! Your son is GOING TO CORNELL!”
“Oh. Yeah. I guess he is. Uh, thanks, Craig.”
“You don’t seem very excited. It’s the IVY LEAGUE! What’s he gonna major in? Gonna be the next Oppenheimer? Daniel Webster? You realize Toni Morrison got a masters from Cornell, right?” “(Mumble)”
“What’s that? Couldn’t hear you because you’re weeping. What’s the kid gonna study?”
“He’s majoring in how to manage a White Castle.”
Frankly, I suspect the Cornell Hospitality Management Program curriculum doesn’t plot out a career-track scenario that ends up at White Castle. But what I DID find on the eCornell website is a course called “Menu Design and Engineering.”
And this is important. I’ve spent, by some estimates, 57 percent of my life gazing dreamily at menus — wondering who Big Sherrie is and how she came to have a sandwich named after her — and I don’t regret one second of it. Oh, occasionally, I’ll run into a situation where a server has used a ball point pen to scratch out “Chicken Fried Streak with Cream Gravy” because it’s not offered anymore. And that stuff makes me sad.
Anyway, back to Menu Design and Engineering. I can sorta understand the “design” part. You want your menu to be eye-catching and informative. Fair enough.
I’m not sure about the “engineering” aspect, but I suspect that’s where the Ivy League touch comes in. And maybe YOU get it. For instance, you’ve been in a restaurant lately and the host presented you with the menu and you said, “Whoa! This … THIS menu! It’s not just a tool by which we know what food we can have and how much it will cost. This menu is an engineering marvel — the menu equivalent of figuring out how to divert the Colorado River so the Hoover Dam could be constructed!”
Not me.
Similarly, if I couldn’t graduate from Baylor — and I didn’t — there’s no way I could be accepted to the Cornell menu course. But that doesn’t stop me from speculating about some of the cool topics I suspect the Menu Design and Engineering pupil can look forward to mastering.
▪ Daily Specials Chalkboard Calligraphy 213A— Emphasis on mastery of basic level architectural lettering for legibility. Students also learn about different pastel shades of chalk so the customer’s eyes move pleasantly and with ease from item to item. Requirement: Must be able to spell culinary basics such as “omelet” and “Worcestershire.”
▪ Catchy Dish Phrases 101 — A topic personally instructed by a member of the marketing team that came up with “Rooty Tootie Fresh ’n Fruity” for IHOP. Emphasis on historical aspects. Learn how Boston’s iconic Union Oyster House hired then-impoverished John Updike to re-brand their “Classic Seafood Platter” and the author of “Rabbit, Run” came up with “Ye Olde Seafood Platter” — which the restaurant still uses to this day!
▪ Paper Placemats For Profit 420— While not technically a “menu,” many placemats are part of a functional restaurant experience. Massive revenue influx comes from providing space for local plumbers or dentists or barber shops to have their business cards printed on the surface of the menu. Jeff Bezos’ now-famous “I sell books online” business card, first published on the paper placemat at Koogle’s Diner in Breckinridge, Missouri, launched one of the most successful businesses ever.
I hope you’ll think about this minutiae and not take such things for granted the next time you’re seated in a restaurant and pondering what to order.
Oh, and your waiter? Be kind! It’s just possible it’s some guy who flunked out of Baylor.