30-minute holiday pies and even Cooler Whip
Back in July, my roommate put in a request for a Chocolate Peanut Butter pie. I told him he was hormonal. Low blood sugar = low insulin = insulin is a hormone = he is hormonal. Feel free to use this retort on any male person who bellows about being hungry or hangry. It’ll feel really good to flip the script. You’re welcome.
In searching online for a good recipe for a no-bake CPB pie, 99% of them all had one thing in common: Cool Whip. And for me, that’s a big nope. Nada. Never used it, never will.
My gripes with Cool Whip?
First, the designation of nondairy whipped topping. What on earth could that be? Strictly speaking, you know what else qualifies as a non-dairy whipped topping? Shaving cream and spray insulation. Yes, I know they started adding a miniscule amount of cream so they could start calling it whipped topping. It’s still basically whipped oil and corn syrup. Invented by the scientist at General Foods, Bill Mitchell, who also developed Tang and Pop Rocks. Quite a nutritional legacy ya got there, Bill.
I have another story connected to my dislike for Cool Whip; this one goes back to the early ’80s and was related to me by my sister. My sister had a roommate (why are roommate stories always so nutty?) who took her obese cat, Cindy, to the vet. Roomie claimed that she wasn’t feeding the cat anything out of the ordinary, but finally the vet got her to admit that she’d been giving Cindy a big boop of Cool Whip on her nose every night as a treat. Sometimes several times a night. I don’t think the situation had
FROM B1
devolved to where the roomie would put out a bowl of Cool Whip, but by the time Cindy made it to the doctor’s office, she resembled a fluffy pork roast with little pipe cleaner legs.
Before I get any nasty comments, I’m NOT fat cat shaming or cat fat shaming Cindy. She was simply a pawn in General Foods’ plan to destroy American society through convenient, but empty, processed food. This lesson has stayed lodged in my brain and I have taken the vet’s orders as gospel ... NO COOL WHIP.
But I digress. I not only devised a superb recipe for a no-bake Chocolate Peanut Butter pie, but I also took what I learned from that recipe and made a Pumpkin Peanut Butter pie that will slide nicely onto a holiday dessert buffet table. And I’m sharing a trick for a stabilized whipped cream made with instant vanilla pudding, which is 947 times better than Cool Whip. What can I say? I’m a giver.
Pro tip: toast your storebought graham cracker crusts. In the time it takes to travel from the factory to the grocery store to your home, they might be months old. Toasting them back to oven fresh re-melts the sugar and turns them into a crispy cookie crust again. The crusts will soften again after you fill them and give them a little resting time in the fridge. The Keebler brand and most store-brand crusts are uniformly good, with one notable exception: Walmart/Great Value. I grabbed a couple of them in a pinch to save a little $$ and I got zinged. They didn’t toast well and they crumbled when I added this stiff filling.
Chocolate Peanut Butter Pie
9” graham cracker crust
1/4 cup cold water
1 envelope (about 2 1/4 teaspoons) unflavored gelatin
1/2 cup (128g) creamy peanut butter
4 tablespoons of butter, softened
2 cups of milk
2 small boxes of instant chocolate pudding (3.4 oz size)
1/4 cup cocoa
1/4 cup sugar
Preheat your oven to 350 F and toast the crust for
5-7 minutes, then let it cool completely.
In a microwave safe bowl, sprinkle the gelatin over the cold water and let stand for 5 minutes to soften.
Heat the softened gelatin in a microwave for about 45 seconds until it dissolves completely, then let it cool slightly and set aside.
In a large bowl, cream the peanut butter and softened butter together with a hand mixer until smooth.
Gradually beat the milk into to the peanut butter mixture until well combined.
By hand, stir the instant chocolate pudding, cocoa and sugar into to the pumpkin mixture. Continue to stir until the mixture thickens.
Stir the dissolved gelatin into the mixture until well combined.
Scoop the chocolate peanut butter filling into the cooled pie crust, making sure to spread it evenly and mound it up in the center.
Place the pie in the refrigerator for at least 4 hours, or until set, before serving.
Pumpkin Peanut Butter Pie
9” graham cracker crust
1 envelope (about 2 1/4 teaspoons) unflavored gelatin
1/4 cup cold water
1/2 cup peanut butter
4 Tbsp softened butter
3 tsp pumpkin pie spice
1/3 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup milk
1 15 oz can pumpkin
2 small boxes vanilla instant pudding (3.4 oz size)
Preheat your oven to 350 F and toast the crust for
5-7 minutes, then let it cool completely.
In a microwave safe bowl, sprinkle the gelatin over the cold water and let stand for 5 minutes to soften.
Heat the softened gelatin in a microwave for about 45 seconds until it dissolves completely, then let it cool slightly.
In a large bowl, cream together the peanut butter, butter and pumpkin pie spice with a hand mixer until smooth.
Gradually beat in the pumpkin, brown sugar and milk into the pumpkin mixture until well combined.
By hand, stir the instant vanilla pudding to the pumpkin mixture, stirring constantly. Continue to stir until the mixture thickens.
Stir the dissolved gelatin into the pumpkin mixture until well combined.
Scoop the pie filling into the cooled pie crust, making sure to spread it evenly and mound it up in the center.
Place the pie in the refrigerator for at least 4 hours, or until set, before serving.
Stabilized Whipped Cream
With a hand mixer, blend 1 cup heavy cream, 1 Tablespoon instant vanilla pudding, a pinch of salt and 1/2 tsp vanilla or vanilla bean paste. Whip until fluffy. Will keep in a sealed container for a few days. I keep the remainder of the box of vanilla pudding in a sealed jar because once I tried this trick, I found a lot more reasons to make it.
Upcoming and ongoing
I have too much cooking planned for an upcoming birthday party, The Day ad department holiday potluck, Christmas, New Year’s and my next column. But before I begin my final descent into the Holiday madness, I will take this opportunity to wish you thunderous, memorable and monumental Holidays.