Driven to distraction
Ialways wait until the last minute. So there I was late last Tuesday, deadline fast approaching, finishing up my taxes, punching numbers into a calculator to double-check a 1040A withholding figure. It was lunchtime, and I looked up from my work every minute or so to sip from a can of orange soda and chew on a huge roast beef sandwich with mayo and mustard oozing out.
I added the figures from Lines 6 and 282 on Form 1099-INT and subtracted that from Line 57 of Form 784-H— in which I claim to run a 6,700-acre non-profit ranch for neglected llamas near the eastern plains town of Simla (town motto: “Not Exactly Like Calhan, But Simla”).
Oh, and I was also talking on the phone with my CPA and expert tax adviser who had called me just as he does each April 15: collect, from prison.
After an hour, the stress of tax day was getting to me, so I put everything down and stretched both arms way over my head. Then I yawned and closed my eyes tightly for several seconds in an attempt to calm my nerves.
All of this seemed to really bother the guy in the next lane on Interstate 25 as we roared through Denver. He angrily leaned on his horn.
Footnote: Once he realized I was doing my taxes he calmed down and even offered some advice, raising a hand and indicating with a gesture that next year I should only claim one dependent.
I know, I know. Using a cellphone while driving is dangerous and, frankly, just plain stupid. Not unlike cornering a 44pound foamy-mouthed raccoon in my garage and trying to remove him with an oven mitt and a dustpan, but that, perhaps, is another story.
My point here is that everyone knows cellphone usewhile driving is unsafe. Well, not everyone. The Post editorial page— if Imay bite that hand that feeds me small snacks— recently offered, “More data needed for cellphone ban.”
But with all due respect, when you’re hurtling along in a beautiful new GMvehicle, you want to have both hands on the steering wheel when a faulty part approved by a GMlawyer snaps and makes the steering wheel fall into your lap.
A Post opinion poll March 10 showed that 76.9 percent of respondentswant a ban on handuse cellphoneswhile driving. (The other 23.1 percentwere split between “What’s a cellphone?” and “Is it just me, or does Gov. Hickenlooper’s hair looks like it was chewed by a caribou?”)
Our highly esteemed state lawmakers heard this outcry for action, looked up from the expensive lunch a special interest group had purchased for them and quickly and forcefully did absolutely nothing.
Froman April 11 Post story: “Restrictions on cellphone usewhile driving inColoradowon’t advance this year after lawmakersmissed a deadline to vote on the bill.
“Aurora Democrat Rep. Jovan Melton explained to his colleagues that he recently found out the deadline to reconsider the bill had passed, so the proposal is effectively dead.”
Our state is officially in the very capable hands of men and women who do not understand how to read a calendar.
It’s enough to make me want to veer into another lane at 75 mph as I grab my cellphone and call the Humane Society to report this giant hissing raccoon in the passenger seat.